Monday, November 29, 2004

Writing [hides head in cowl]

I broke an oath I made to myself last year: I didn't write. I typed barely a word of fiction since March, and even in my blogs were an effort sometimes. The "lazy" thing about writing in blogs is everything was written for you. All you have to do is tell it back in the right order, pepper it with some wit, humor, and musings, and there's no rule that says you have to have it make sense; it just happened that way. Sometimes, stuff happens in my life that, if retold as fiction, would seem rather incredulous and far-fetched. One thing you learn as a writer is that truth IS stranger than fiction, and sometimes makes for poor stories. "Oh, that's not very believable," says your average reader, and off they go to read Steven King.

Oh, I did write about Tony Bumper somewhat, and I was starting a good clip there, but then life happened in the form of difficulty, death, sickness, and tragedy. I would have to say this was the worst year I have had in a while. There are other years that are marked like haunting gravestones in my life.

1982: Suicide attempts, my father's cruelest abuse, my mother' heaviest drinking.
1987: My mother' suicide, the mental hospital, losing my home, job, and best friend (the last three in one month!).
1991: Losing my job and being unemployed for 2 years, being evicted and living in the projects, starving, bill collectors, Mikey died, Christine having a job that sent her home crying almost daily, and horrible depression.
2001: Christine breaks both her ankles, Oreo dies, CR has foot problems, my back is injured, 9/11, two narrow misses of layoffs, my brush with death with pneumonia.

2004 didn't seem as bad as any of those years, but I have had to deal with 3 deaths (two with relatives), near layoffs, severe money problems, and a host of friends with problems and deaths of their own. So it's up there. But like so many bad years, a lot of "minor casualties" get buried under the suffocating black clouds of the larger tragedies.

My writing was one of them. I was supposed to have a final draft of my new book done by the end of December, but that's not going to happen. I don't even know about next year, I am too scared to see what happens next.

Want to known one of the weird things? One of those "unlikely fiction scenarios" is the truth: I know of someone who actually, according to her boyfriend, prints out my blogs. It's people like her I feel most like apologizing to, because even though she probably didn't know it, her mini "rah rah: attitude, the e-mails, plus links to writing ideas, kept me from giving up.

She linked to something called NaNoWriMo, a kind of contest to write a small novel in one month. I had heard about it on Hissyfit, and then on Sara A's board, but never actually investigated what it actually meant. Sadly, I only bothered to look it up last week, to find it's only for the month of November. Because of this, I decided to spend 2 hours writing anything, no matter how bad it was (as per the site's recommendation to "break through writers blocks by taking risks"), to see how many words and hour I could do. It did about 550 words/hour (don't ask for the text, it was as bad as the site warned it might be), which means NaNoWriMo is actually an achievable goal.

Too bad I have to wait until 2005.

Posted by Punkie @ 02:13 AM EST [Link]

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Post Thanksgiving Tales

Well, the last 24 hours have also been interesting.

1. Thanksgiving went great. There was food, Sawa, and Brad. Then the Heares came over, and discussed how relatives drove them crazy. Chance stayed over for Black Friday.

2. Black Friday went well. In fact, it went TOO well, because it wasn't that crowded, and no one was rude, which made it a fair bit boring. I woke up a bit late, and we got to the mall 15 minutes later than I had planned. Then we bummed around real slowly. Probably too slow for Chance, in some cases. I wish I had some interesting juicy tidbit of human crassness to pass along, but apart from one guy with a funny hairdo and another guy with a slightly Hitler-esque mustache... nothing.

Wait, that's not entirely true. Because of Chance's shopping needs, I ended up in two stores I previously never be caught dead in. The first was "Limited Too," a kid's offshoot of "Limited," a clothing chain. For popular, skinny model-type women. Limited Too is how I think Barbie (as in the doll, not the renowned SS interrogator and torturer) would design a store if her only direction were to, "Tone down the pink a tad." The second I walked in there with her (and before Chance gets mad, she was looking for a gift for her girly sister, and NOT anything for herself), I felt like I was on some foreign planet to which I was NOT welcome. Not that anyone even gave me the evil eye, no, but I felt entirely out of place and very uncomfortable. They had thongs. For kids. [shudders] EEUUGHHH!!! I mean, yes, I had heard about them, but there they were, complete with some picture of a lip-glossed pre-teen wearing stretch hip-huggers, with a purse tossed over her shoulder, looking back at the camera with a carefree look, as if to say, "I may be 11, but at least I don't have panty lines!" If I was Catholic, I would have crossed myself right then and there. Evil. Evil evil evil. For some reason I had to point this out to someone, so I mentioned it under my teeth to Chance and CR, and Chance nodded like, "Yah. That's disgusting." CR, who sadly didn't catch on as quickly, tried to build on my comment with a slightly too-loud, "And look, they have bras! What kid wears a bra??" Chance's face dropped to the floor. I said, "Uh... any girl who doesn't want her classmates to know how cold she is." Chance snickered. What a weird moment.

Oh and the second place was a "Redskins NFL" store (local football team), but I am just not a sports fan, that's all.

After the mall, we watched "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkiban." Then her parents came, stayed a bit, and then left. I went back to sleep.

3. At the mall, I cashed in 3 gift cards I had been holding onto for Borders/Waldenbooks. I so rarely get to one, and I get gift cards to the chain all the time. I bought two huge books, one was a treasury of National Lampoon photos and weird news clippings, and another was a Monty Python Autobiography by the Monty Python members themselves. I also got an Amazon.com certificate for my birthday, and so I got a copy of "The Annotated Alice," a strange work that's been out for a while, but I just found out about. It's the Alice in Wonderland books, with running sideline commentary about the history behind various passages, including political jibes, character inspirations, and other stuff about Dodgeson's life. The other book was, "Just a Geek," by blogger Wil Wheaton, who writes about some of the things that impacted his life. I also got 4 new shirts, 2 for work, 2 for play, from Land's End.

4. I can't go into this, but have you ever asked a friend, whom you have known for years, what was wrong, only to find a vein of hidden untapped anger that boils forth in a foam of disgust and despair? And you are left in shock going, "OMG... your life is like that? Holy God. Holy dear god!" Yeah.

5. Someone else, whom I like and have for... over a decade, called me their best friend. I was totally shocked by this, and sadly, the first though was how unworthy I was. Which went badly, because he assumed by pause and frustration was a rejection of some kind. This has been cleared (I hope), but when someone says that to me, I take that very seriously. Boy, is he gonna regret this! Tell them, Neal, what hell you have gone through! Tell him how I got you in trouble in sixth grade!

Posted by Punkie @ 01:22 AM EST [Link]

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Happy Turkey Day

It's been an interesting last 24 hours.

It started when one of my Linux boxes crashed hard. This isn't my technical blog, so I won't go into detail of the weirdness of it, but it was annoying because I was depending on it being my desktop box. Luckily, it is only annoying; my main server is fine. Then another box crashed, but in a different way. This was one of my main boxes in my SETI Array, and the OS got hosed bad. It would run for about 18 hours then... pssssht. Froze hard. Finally, after a few hard crashes, the errors on the hard drive were unrecoverable. I have tried installing a new OS on it, but it crashes in random places on the install.

Then my office chair broke. The new one I got earlier this year? It had been falling apart steadily, and it took more and more duct tape to keep it together. Finally, last night, the whole left side fell off and the back broke. I can still sit on it, but it has no more support than sitting on an ottoman.

The Ahfu ate half the Thanksgiving stuffing. He got on the table and ate about half a loaf of bread that we were drying out for the stuffing. At least it's just bread, so he's okay, but that was annoying.

For Thanksgiving, we're having Brad, Sawa, and her friend Glen over. Later, the Heare family might come over, if anything, to escape their relatives. Chance has to come over at some point because she's staying the night to be here early for Black Friday at Fair Oaks Mall... scary.

Yes, it's that time of year again when I go to the mall and remind myself why I never want to work retail again. It's also my annual get-together with CR, where we people watch and get lessons on human nature. I wanted Chance to have some fun that doesn't involve her watching her other siblings, too. I hope she'll have some fun and learn something, too, because it can be chaotic.

I looked on the mall site, and they are opening up earlier than I would have ever guessed, 5:30! There is no way in hell I am getting there that early. I am thinking more like 8am. I also found out the Cinnibon had closed. Booo!

Finally, I hope all of you have a Happy Thanksgiving with your family, and eat lots of good food, give thanks where thanks is due, and try not to go crazy with the relatives.

Posted by Punkie @ 02:05 PM EST [Link]

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

More cleaning done

I got even more cleaning done today.

There's this closet that I like to call "The final closet." See, we moved here over 4 years ago, and this closet contained the last things that we never unpacked. Most of them were things we never needed, and still don't need. Then people just kept tossing crap in there. Some were ruined due to being crushed, or stored liquids spilled on them. I tossed most of it, which included old and broken electronic-enhanced board games CR used to have, several sets of broken blinds, some notebooks of paperwork we didn't need from a former address, and various busted knick-knacks that never really had any value. When I started, the closet was literally a pile about waist deep, and now, there are only 3 copier-paper-sized boxes of stuff I saved to be sorted later. Most of the stuff I saved were some pictures in frames, knick-knacks that didn't break, several game consoles (starting with the Sega Genesis and ending with N64), assorted cassette tapes, accessories for the pool table, and a few books.

The closet looks so empty now.

This closet is build weird; it's really deep from front to back, more so than it is side to side. It has a strange "closet bar" which is really a metal lip that curls back on itself like an upside-down question mark, and it's so far back that it makes the coats swing outwards because it's too close to the back wall, which on that type of closet bar, twists the hangers to the side and then they fall on the floor. To make it a proper coat closet, one would have to put in a proper clothes rod up higher and more towards the front. Then we'd finally have a coat closet.

Or...

I could make it a server closet. Put in some shelves, hook up some electrical outlets, and put all my computers (like the SETI array) in there. The first problem is the massive heat buildup that would occur, and overheat my machines. I could put in some ventilation. The rec room is on a huge slab of concrete, and acts as a heat sink, so it's always cold there. Pumping out some heat through vents into the rec room might work, but that might not look nice, and I don't think Christine would go for that.

Or, I could make it a huge safe. Liberty Safes makes some nice, standing fireproof safes I could plop in there.

Posted by Punkie @ 11:55 PM EST [Link]

Making a lifestyle out of being unwell

I had lunch on Tuesday night with an old friend from my high school days. He's actually the father of a friend of mine since elementary school. Let's call him Jack H.

When I was in 5th grade, I met a kid named Peter H, who was friends with a friend/neighbor of mine named John. Peter was a bright-faced, freckled, red-headed kid with a great sense of humor. He also liked sci-fi, and was one of my first sci-fi buddies. Peter was a grade below me, and so when I went to junior high, we sort of lost touch, but in high school, we occasionally met and hung out, but not very much. In fact, most of our contact was in cub scouts, then webelos.

On the day of my mother's suicide, Peter's dad Jack attempted to push through the police line that was formed outside my kitchen door. When the ambulance showed up, and then the police, all the neighbors were crowded around the house, and were so nosy, that more police were called to keep them at bay. I think at the peak, we had 3 cop cars along with an ambulance. During the day, I had to speak with the Sergeant on duty, who had an assistant deputy, along with a detective who was doing a lot of the questioning and note-taking. And in the background were the paramedics, and two other cops, looking around the house for clues or whatever. I think another 2-4 cops were the ones outside the house, shooing away people. jack was the only one who actually made it to the kitchen door, where I saw his face. "This guy claims to be here on your behalf," said one of the cops. "Do you know him?" I did, but I told him I didn't want to speak with anyone. Kate was already there, providing moral support.

Jack never let up, though. How he followed through was a blur, but when I lost my job, Jack gave me money and helped me buy a new suit. He also took me on a few scouting trips with his scout troupe a few times. Over the years, we still stay in touch, often in the form of dinners or some e-mail. We usually meet about 2-4 times a year, but recently, it was a lot less, and tonight, we discussed we should get back to meeting more often. He keeps me in touch with some of the friends we knew in McLean, as well as his son Peter.

Many years ago, his son married someone whom I assume he loves very much, but is... well, I keep thinking that Jack is very diplomatic when speaking about her. Peter's wife is someone who seems to be one of those cases where someone gets so depressed that they are incapacitated and can't hold a job. These people medicate themselves, but seem unable to function except as a person who is always in need, gets what they want, and uses their mental illness as a crutch and a shield. Recently, she has wanted to adopt a child (because of her meds, they can't have a biological child), but since she doesn't work, and Peter is trying to finish nursing school, Jack thinks this is not a good situation to raise a child, and I agree.

But my underlying wonder that has kept me awake is the never-ending controversy of where mental illness ends, and where laziness begins. Being someone who suffers from depression, but forges ahead anyway, I guess I am unfairly unsympathetic to the person who says, "I'm depressed, I can't work, and someone must take care of me." I feel bad for feeling this, because I don't know where the compassion for the mentally ill is defined in my mind. Like, I know that it is really cruel and awful to say, for instance, "Oh, get out of bed, lazyhead!" to someone bedridden in the last stages of cancer. But I also don't want to be that guy who says, "Oh, you feeling blue? Take a week off from work, you poor thing," to someone who should just go to work anyways, and make the best of it like everyone else.

Let's take one I hear about, CFS, or "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome." According to the CDC, a person will be classified as having CFS if he or she meets the following two criteria: first, unexplained fatigue that is not due to ongoing exertion, is not relieved by rest, and results in a substantial reduction in previous levels of activity. And next, if four or more of the following symptoms are concurrently present for six months or more: impaired memory or concentration, sore throat, tender cervical or auxiliary lymph nodes, muscle pain, multi-joint pain, new headaches, unrefreshed sleep, and post-exertional malaise. Now, I am not sure how they would screen some medical "post-exertional malaise" versus "just plain tired of working, want someone to take care of them." I am not saying CFS is not a medical issue; it seems the CFS is a kind of catch-all for where all the other known diseases and causes have been checked. It would seem to me that, as time went on, they would find some CFS patients were suffering from something real that hasn't been discovered yet, like an undetected virus that attacks iron in the bloodstream, but only when exposed to ultraviolet light and using aluminum cookware. Or whatever. But I always wonder how much is a real problem versus something psychosomatic.

I guess I have known too many divas and psychodramatic people who are latching onto the new semi-medical theories that they can shift blame on to draw attention away from their own bad decisions in life. But who am I to judge? And I guess Jack takes this approach, although, I might find it hard to believe that if CR had married someone similar, if I would be so understanding. In fact, I could very well see that I'd say, "CR, this fiancee of yours is a mopey, unemployed, depressed sad-sack who never finished college and is still living with her mom at age 26. She doesn't make eye contact when she speaks to people, has fits of hysteria, and all you have ever told me about her seems to be whatever latest medication she's having problems with. Marrying such a person will be a difficult road because she won't change, and your life will now consist of babysitting an adult who will give nothing in return but a few muttered phrases of thanks for understanding her. Is this the legacy you wish to end the family line with?" Don't get me wrong, I know there are some serious, 100% real medical and psychological issues out there. I read or hear stories of many of my friends who triumph in spite of such limitations. I have respect for people who have CFS, depression, ADHD, or whatever, but manage to get out of bed to go to work, research the problem and take notes, and always try the newest and latest ways to get better. They want to get better. But what if they don't ever do anything about it, and claim that their illness prevents them from doing anything about their illness?

I never know what to think.

Posted by Punkie @ 01:46 AM EST [Link]

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

1138

I got asked a question today, by Christine. It was about an old friend who used a handle that ended with "1138." Wow. Like it is seeming more and more, my life before 18 is being sealed off and fading away. But questions like that send flashbacks deep into hidden crevasses in my mind.

Of course she didn't know. Just like "Project 2501" has special significance to today's new anime fans, "THX1138" was so us 1970s sci fi fans. The number 1138 replaced the number 451 in many code names. I picked it up from the friend we were talking about, because we were huge George Lucas fans (I feel so ... dirty, now) in the 1980s. He had done a successful Star Wars Trilogy, had the Indiana Jones saga going strong, and many people remember him from American Graffiti. But for those "serious" fans, we all knew about THX1138.

This was George Lucas' first film, based on a short he made in Film School. THX 1138 and two other citizens attempt to escape from an underground futuristic society that has outlawed reproduction and use drugs to control what people think and feel. THX 1138 stops taking the drugs, and gets another citizen pregnant. They are both thrown in jail where they meet another guy (Sen?) who helps them escape. The film was very nihilistic, as I recall. Hard core sci-fi readers recognized the themes from great works of the past few decades, like Orwell's "1984," Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451," and, of course, Huxley's "Brave New World." A later film, "Logan's Run," did a slightly better job, IMHO.

I stopped using 1138 for a code word when I went out on my own. It shows up a lot here and there, almost like an homage to hard core sci-fi fans. I have seen it in logins, or in small mentions in films.

But 1138 has a stronger tug for me. It reminds me of a time when the Henson workshop was experimenting with more mature films, like Dark Crystal and Labyrinth. When Dune was finally made as a feature film. When 3-D tried to make a comeback with "Metal Storm" and "Space Hunter."

For every sci-fi geek, there will always be a Summer of 1138.

Posted by Punkie @ 02:31 AM EST [Link]

Monday, November 22, 2004

A Rant: Not knowing what to do

I should know better. I really should. But I got mad today at someone who I am trying to question why the hell I would want to rescue her. My life has been peppered with rescue attempts, many less successful than I would like. I have talked people down from acid trips, hysteria attacks, and even out of a few suicides. I don't like to talk about them much, because I still know a few of them, and I promised many of them if they would just listen to me, I would never speak of "the incident" again.

A few years ago, one of the burned me quite badly by going on a journey that would improve her life, and then turning a 180 nose dive right back into an abusive relationship at great cost to many people. I mean, I wasn't really hurt except my pride, my shaken faith in humanity, and my general sense of loss of said friend. And then there was that incident earlier this year where someone ran away from home, and neglected to tell anyone, and since her relationship was VERY abusive, we all began to assume foul play and started to... oh, there she is. Nice. Thanks.

In fact, I have been hard pressed to recall anyone I helped out in recent times. I don't know what I want to be, maybe I have a martyr complex. This girl is a friend I have known a long time, and some older FanTek members may remember her well. I knew her even before FanTek. I knew her as a great artist, brilliant as she was tortured. She gave up her true calling (okay, I admit it, what I think is her true calling) to follow the career advice of her dominant mother, who said artwork was useless and stupid, and a grown girl like her should be a college student in a discipline that, as far as I knew, did not suit her at all. So she went to college, studied in a degree she didn't like, got a job on the same career track, and became boyfriends with, and then married a guy who doesn't seem, by her own words, to treat her with any more respect dignity than I think is the bare minimum in any relationship. So here she is, nearly 20 years later, hopped up on multiple layers of antidepressants, unemployed, and sleeping 18 hours a day, worrying about her cats with more care than I think anyone worries about her.

This TOTALLY pisses me off. Not that I think she's lazy, not that kind of pissed off, but the kind of righteous injustice I think that one of the most brilliant minds I have ever known has been left in the gutter and trodden on by life in a very unfair and horrible manner. I literally had visions of hopping on the next flight to the West Coast, going to her apartment, kicking down the door, grabbing her tired ass out of bed by her hair, tossing her in a car, and driving to Venice Beach where I would chain her to a palm tree, and feed her fruit juice, healthy sandwiches, and vitamins for two weeks while the nutrition, surf, and sun cleared away the fog of nearly a decade and a half of chemical miscreants.

Of course, federal law frowns on kidnapping people, I can't drive a car, and I wouldn't have the gumption to stay awake before she finally escaped from her chains, and went back home to the cozy and suffocating blanket of depression and woe. I don't even have the money for the tickets. And then I have to repeat to myself people have to want to change, and she has to do this on her own.

EEUURRRGGHH!!! But I get so mad, so angry, and so indignant that she's ended up like this. I read her sparse blog entries, saw her shops on eBay, and I see her so much more objectively than she could ever admit. I feel like I should be loyal to the friend I knew back in high school, because she wouldn't let me down. She never did. I feel I owe this to her, but then I feel I am being all dramatic and that she's a different girl now, and then part of me goes, "NO NO NO NO NO NO!" like an adamant child.

Fuck.

I keep feeling like it's Gods' will, and that it is part of "the plan," and things happen for a reason, but what if the plan includes me rescuing her?

I don't know. I simply don't know.

I am praying for you, hon. Someone out here still cares about you, and carries that candle.

Please get better.

Posted by Punkie @ 01:52 AM EST [Link]

Happy Birthday to Me: Part 2

Like I mentioned before, because we wanted to celebrate Sawa's B-day, we delayed my actual party until Nov 20th, which worked out because more people could come. And next weekend, we have a quiet ceremony with Rogue, my other Scorpion Sistah.

But this weekend went great! The only real bad news is:

The DVD player is not, in any way, a regionless player. For $30, I really assumed this would be the case, and since I didn't shop for a regionless player, the only insult I feel is this clown is telling other people it is. That's Best Buy for you. Oh, and they didn't have the labels for my Brother P-Touch home and Hobby model, even though they sold many of the models, they were just out of labels. I'll probably save money online anyway. Nyah.

Anyway, all of Saturday, we were preparing for the party. Christine did all the cooking, and I did almost all the cleaning. Actually, we've had so many things at our house, I have been constantly cleaning, so it wasn't too dirty. I got tired, though. I was up until 3:30am because April and her new boyfriend Ed arrived really late (they came in from Boston, and were staying the weekend). Ed was fascinating, and April is always fascinating, and as usual, I wish I got to talk to them more. Anya, Matthew, Kory, Allison, Moria, and Matt came early and helped us set up, which was an absolute godsend. We decked out the whole house like a Hollywood Red Carpet display, complete with backdrops, balloons, and red carpet.

Seth came all the way from San Francisco! He had to leave early, but I was SO happy to see him. He really rekindled a lot of the old Punk in me.

The party went really well, and everyone had a lot of fun. We took like 90 pictures (not including the Polaroids), and I'll have to sort them all. Oh, and if Travis gets ahold of you digital camera? Take it from him. I have a lot of pictures of parts of people faces, usually ears (in truth, I think he took them last week at Sawa's party). In the end, Allison won by guessing the correct murderer, Missie won for best costume, and I think April won... something. Man, my memory is bad. Sadly, Christine and CR got really sick to their stomach, and had to go to bed early. The party lasted until 1am, and a few lingered until 3am. Seth and I cleaned up, and I actually managed to removed about 80% of the party residue before I went to bed, hoarse and exhausted.

Damn, I love my friends. First of all, they are easy to clean up after. We had like 30 people in our house, and the mess of maybe 5. People were really good about cleaning up after themselves, and it made things so much easier. Second, they all all just so fucking cool-ass people. Thanks, guys!

I got up late Sunday, and was dead dog tired. I drank coffee with April and Ed, and then Sean, Lou, and the kids came over. April and Ed had to leave early because they had to drive back to Boston and work in the morning. I am really glad they came, and Ed is a very astute musician who knows industry people, including Eddie Van Halen, whom his best friend has been working for for over 14 years. Cool. The Heare family stayed until 6pm, and then had to go home.

I spent the rest of the day slumming around and watching TV.

Posted by Punkie @ 12:44 AM EST [Link]

Friday, November 19, 2004

ZZZZZZZ: Part Duex

I ate some Pizza that didn't agree with me, and was up all night Wednesday. That was okay, because I got everything updated on my Seti@BOINC array going. I finally got to bed at 5am, and slept until 1. It was great!

I finally got to sit down and play some GTA3. I got the game over a year ago, and I haven't had time to play games much, so only just now did I get off of Portland Island, and over to Liberty City (by way of boat). Then, apparently I took so long, they repaired the bridge! Doh!

I got a neat Webcam for my birthday, the Logitech Quickcam Pro 4000. My old Black and White cam finally bit the dust, and my Legocam and Quickcam Pro only have drivers for Windows 98. I got the Legocam to work in Linux, with thanks to a driver hack for Quickcam Express models, and I have it at work as a kind of rear-view mirror. The QCP 4000 works both with Linux AND Windows XP, so now I can finally do some more stop animations.

Friday hasn't been much busier. I went out to lunch with Christine at Appleby's, then we went to BJ's and Best Buy for party stuff. I went looking for a cheap DVD player for the TV upstairs, and I found one for $30. The salesman told me it was regionless, and even though I never asked for a regionless player, I was both interested and suspicious. This is how he explained it to me:

Punk: I am looking for a cheap, small DVD player.
Dude: This one doesn't care where your DVD's come from. Like you can play DVDs from England or Japan on them.
Punk: It's regionless?
Dude: No... it plays all the regions! Like, if you get DVDs from England, I guess you have no idea what I am talking about, do you?
Punk: I am aware of regionless DVD players. They are common in my line of work.
Dude: See, the world is divided into 7... or 4 regions. I don't know why...
Punk: I'll take it anyway...

Hey, if it's true, bonus! If not, well, all I care is that it plays US DVDs on my bedroom TV. It also plays MP3 and CDs, too (according to the box).

When we got back from BJ's, I went and took a nap.

Yay for boring!

Posted by Punkie @ 07:23 PM EST [Link]

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

[BANG!] And the vacation starts!

First, let me start this blog with part one of a multi-part essay on the rise and fall of cultural...

...ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Posted by Punkie @ 05:35 PM EST [Link]

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Whine whine whine...

My body hurts so bad. At least I got sleep. I was afraid that I'd be up until 3am because I slept due to the migraine. I slept through dinner, and I didn't want to eat because I can't really eat before I go to sleep, but I ate anyway because I found some spare chocolate which cured a lot of the migraine pain pretty quickly. I also had this craving for cheese, which we also had. Luckily, not only did I go to sleep by 11:45, but I didn't wake up until 7am, when I had to go to work. So I got a lot of sleep.

But I slept pretty soundly, and when I completely relax, parts of my body that normally remain tense for support were not, and I slept wrong or something. My back feels like it's made out of a very non-pliable foam; resisting movement and requiring a lot of effort to keep in various positions. It's not just my muscles, but the joints in the bones. My arthritis has been worse this year than any other year in memory. I should start taking those gelatin supplements, but at $30/bottle, that's a pipe dream along with hearing aids, SAD lighting, and LASIK.

I wish I could go home today at 3, but Christine's in Baltimore, and so I'll be here until 8 or something.

Despite how it sounds right now, my depression hasn't been too bad yet. I have had some minor spells, but all within normal range. I can feel it get bad when it hasn't been sunny for a while, but it's been sunny enough. I recall one December a few years ago the sun didn't come out for over 10 days, and each day was like torture. But while I was worried there for a few days, the sun has been pretty steady for the the week, and I am also looking forward to slumming around on vacation, which starts day after tomorrow. It's not that I dislike my work, I just need to relax, catch up on sleep and some housework. Being in a wide-open pod has made relaxing at work pretty impossible because I am always feeling like someone is right behind me, and will scare the bejesus out of me.

Posted by Punkie @ 01:00 PM EST [Link]

Monday, November 15, 2004

I hate migraines

One of the "hung states" I get in migraines is where uneven patterns start to sound/feel like flaming knives going through my brain. You know that point where you're playing a sound way too loud on a set of cheap speakers? That ripping/muddy sound? Yeah, uneven sounds like people's voices do that when I get into this state, and I know it's not my ears, but how my brain is processing them. In fact, typing this very entry is kind of painful unless I type in a regular pattern. And the pain isn't so bad as the strange feeling of vulnerability that comes with it; I just want to scream and shout and run away. I can't even listen to the TV, and right now I have my headphones on, listening to nothing so that sounds are muted. Light is also painful, and often these are accompanied with bad copper-like tastes in my mouth (like sucking on a salty penny). I take medicine for this, but I was out for a while until a few days ago, it's taking a while to re-build the immunity. Even as I type this, I can feel the "prickles" (that start the chain reactions of pain) have lessened.

I'd drink coffee or something to reduce the pain, but the pain already knocked me out earlier today, and I slept through that big attack. Which means I could be up until 3am tomorrow as it is, and I can't have coffee having a party in my belly on top of that.

Coffee does have a party in my system. Hats and everything. It's the best mood-altering drug I can take, but I can't drink more than 2 cups in a day before my ulcer starts calling the cops, complaining about the noise.

Posted by Punkie @ 10:19 PM EST [Link]

Lazy weekend... lots of parties, lots of time off

It's early Monday morning, and I am waiting for clothes to dry.

I spent most of Sunday cleaning up my den. A lot of what I did was sorting and filing objects into boxes and stuff. I put away many things that just needed put away, like books in bookcase. I threw away a lot of old paperwork, catalogs, and such. I vacuumed, untangled some wires, and sorted PCI cards. Neal called and wished me a happy birthday. I set up all my Seti@home machines to BOINC accounts (using SETI), and soon, I'll have those stats on this page.

Sunday evening, Sawa and my family went to Hama Sushi for my birthday dinner. The food was good, but the service was a little lacking to their normal standards. The waitress was pretty innocuous and automatic, my tea was cold, and I never got a refill on anything but my tea (which was at least later refilled with hot tea). The food was good, so I can't complain there, and the company was nice. In the car, I made CR laugh so hard, he almost stopped breathing. Something about claustrophobia and yelling "Waaaaaah!" in the dark. As his sense of humor matures, he's getting to be more of a companion.

Oh, and his grades were really good this time around. Bonus! So far, he seems to be taking school fairly seriously, which is always good. We're seriously discussing college options, possible careers (which is still animal science), and he's working on getting a job this summer working at an animal hospital with help from our friend Anya (who works at one part-time).

When I was in high school, I also was looking to be a vet. I tried to get a job at the local animal hospital, but they only had two slots, and both were quickly filled. The kid from my school who got the position didn't really like animals, but his father pressured him to get a job. I felt that was a double slap in the face, because I got bested by a guy who didn't even want the job. I ended up giving up on that dream, and turned to astrophysics. I don't feel bad about this now, because it seems no matter what I would have chosen, the path I took now would have been the outcome because everything changed after my mother's suicide. And some of the work I did with DB 4 databases at my first real job came in handy years later (and still does).

I plan on working pretty hard (at work) the next few days, and then I'll be taking it easy on vacation. I can't really spend money because I don't know what the beginning of December brings. I hope I don't get laid off, because money is actually doing a lot better with the raise and all. I know I am still getting paid below industry standard, but I figure if I prove myself, I can get a better raise. I am taking on as much work as I can do (but no more, I don't want to look like a flake) and trying to network; getting to know everyone and what they do.

And being on call wasn't so bad after Saturday morning...

Posted by Punkie @ 12:48 AM EST [Link]

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Happy Birthday Sawa and Punkie...

We had our birthdays this weekend.

It was my first weekend on call, and it started out of the gate with a flurry of activity. First, we had a guy with one project who needed temporary root access, and he took forEVER to get done (like 5 hours). During that time, I got paged again, and this time, a server had rebooted itself twice and it wasn't scheduled to do so. We never found out why, and since it's in a computer room that has had power issues lately, we put it on another circuit, and I haven't heard from it since. Then another system reported a failed hard disk (but it was mirrored, so they just replaced it). Then another system reported faulty memory, and they wanted my permission to take it down and replace it. Granted. Then I got called at 6am with a machine that reported 2008 errors in 20 minutes. It stopped as soon as I got into the system, and hasn't happened since. Then another system had it's /tmp directory (where temporary files are written) full, and they wanted permission to delete old files in /tmp. Granted. At this point, I was like, "Gaaaah!" although I was not mad at the NOC, because all these were legitimate calls, and most of them were just asking permission or "FYI, we dispatched the vendor" kind of things. But, since 10am Saturday until now (about noon Sunday), no calls.

Sawa made it to 23 on Saturday. She came to our house to have a party, and it was pretty cool. Travis, April, Dave, Sean, Lou, and their kids came by and stayed late. We talked, played Cranium, and had a good time. Sometimes I think I have known Sawa since she was 9 (but only on a peripheral level, because I sort of knew her mom), and then really started being friends with her at 16. Now she's a savvy and smart adult who is going to school, has her own place, two jobs, does responsible shopping... if she were my daughter, I'd be damn proud of the person she's turning out to be. I hope her mom is. But I don't think of her as "a ward," so to speak, but as a friend, and I am really happy she's my friend because she is so cool.

At midnight, I turned the magic number 36. I gave myself until 36 to fix the first 18 years of my life but thinking it would take another 18 to unscrew it all. Well, as I said before, I got about 80% there. So I don't know how long, if ever, the other 20% will be, but I think I will tackle less about mental issues, and focus more on diet and health.

Travis also got a good look at my bathroom and Den, and gave positive reviews. He said the bathroom looked better than he expected, and the floor probably does not need replaced. Yay! He also gave me some good tips about getting down the tiled wall.

Yet another awesome friend.

Today I am taking it easy. I can't go anywhere because I am on call, but my party is next weekend, so I can wait. The day after that, we celebrate Rogue's birthday! Yay!

Posted by Punkie @ 11:47 AM EST [Link]

Friday, November 12, 2004

Various news - On call and vacation time coming

So, Tuesday night, I get what I thought was a mild case of food poisoning. I was sick all Wednesday, and worked from home so I could be near the toilet. Then Christine got sick, then CR, and now some people at work. Since the fever and ... other symptoms were fairly light, maybe it was some quickie flu?

Who knows.

Work has kept me pretty preoccupied. I like work. Work makes the time go by and makes me feel useful. Too bad they are talking about another round of layoffs in December, and this one is big. Here we go again...

This weekend, I am Primary On-call for the first time in this job. I used to be on-call in two other jobs, so having a pager isn't new to me. But this also means I can't leave the house. Well, there's always plenty to do around here. Luckily, this job usually doesn't get paged more than 3-4 times a week, and a majority of the time it's all permissions to do something, or just an FYI on a server. For example, this week, I have been secondary on-call, and I got paged twice because the primary on call didn't respond in time. The first time was a "Hey, this server went down, is it important?" and when it was rebooted, all was fine. Today I got another call, which said "the server has melted," and Sun hardware sent some guys out to whack at it. Problem was, no one had the root password, and sadly, since all the accounts are linked into one big cluster dependent on the network, and it wouldn't boot to network, the point was moot. "We have a password in the safe," said the tech, "but it didn't work." So I gave them permission to "hack" the server. That's a normal kind of call for us.

Saturday, we're hosting Sawa's birthday party, but Sawa's planning all of that. All I have to do is make sure the house is clean. Sunday is MY birthday, even though the party is next weekend. I might eat sushi, because the sushi place is near my work and so if I get paged, I can go there.

I only work 3 days next week. I sort of get Thursday and Friday off, but not really because I am still on call, but that's not a big deal. I then take the next week off, so I am off from the 18th through the 28th. I plan to take in some honest-to-goodness slumming around.

Posted by Punkie @ 02:28 AM EST [Link]

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

A special thanks...

Can I boast about one of my friends for a second?

If you are ever at a party, and Kory asks if he can help, say YES. At Samhain, he not only helped set up the pot luck, but he also helped clean up and put away the leftovers. Like, in foil, plastic containers, and everything. Wow. He's also helping for my birthday party coming up, so, be sure to thank him. I know Bruce and Cheryl always raved about him, and I like working with the guy, but he truly goes "above and beyond the call" with helping people out.

He's awesome...

Posted by Punkie @ 01:03 AM EST [Link]

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

Non-productive punishing blows

I was watching this thing on CBS about abusive nannies caught on tape. When I worked in the mall, I saw people beat their kids from time to time, and I have come to this conclusion:

Beating crying children only makes them cry harder.

I would think, that if you wanted your kid to shut up, and beating him didn't work, you'd stop beating him. It seems like common sense. Maybe threatening a spanking will work on someone who's 5 or 6, but when they are 2? It never works. My theory is that most parents who beat their kids do it for a form of revenge, and that's not parenting, that's a tantrum in response.

I think back to the only public display of a tantrum CR ever had. He may have had others, but this is the only one I remember. He was 3 or 4, and we were at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. It was time to go, but he didn't want to go, so he did that rubber-leg/spinal slide thing all kids do at that age. So I just picked him up. He screamed, howled, shouted, and beat my head with his fists, forcing me to take off my glasses. I just hauled him out of the museum, and while he howled outside, I asked him if he thought he was going to get what he wanted by screaming. I pointed out that all the people there were looking at him, and asked him to wonder what they were thinking? Of course, he was beyond reason, so I threw him in the sewer.

No, not really. But he was beyond reasoning, so I just let him beat my head, because I knew he was smart enough to eventually stop when he felt it wasn't working. And he did stop after about a minute, while I held him and walked to the Metro and he cried and cried. I felt, "Hey, I banged my head a lot as a teen, this isn't nearly as bad. His fists are at least softer than a mental pole, a stage, or a door jam." He calmed down after a few minutes. And by the time we got to the Metro, he was fine.

Anger sometimes just has to be let out.

And he never did it again. In fact, his public behavior has never been a problem, even with the ADHD. The key to parenting is to understand the form of diplomacy your kid is used to. When your child loses control, give at least the illusion you are in control. Any fights I have had with CR is when I lost control, and while I regret them even to this day, sometimes I am just too human to control my emotions all the time.

When I look back to that one day in DC, I muse what might have happened had I done what I saw a lot of parents do at the mall.

- Give in. He would run around the museum, bothering other people, and have eventually worn himself, and myself out. Then we'd both be cranky and rude.
- Ignore him. He wanted attention, and he'd get it some other way, like hitting strangers.
- Beat him. He would have just screamed longer, because now in addition to being cranky, he would have been scared, and in pain. Making your child scared and in pain doesn't cancel out the crankiness. It builds on the Foundation of Cranky. "Don't cry, or I'll give you something to cry about!" is the dumbest thing I ever heard a parent say. I mean, look at that statement; logically. Would you say to a waiter, "Don't spit in my food, or I'll have someone else spit in my food?" To a mugger, "Don't take my wallet, or I'll find more money to give you!"

So if your kid is screaming, doing the rubber leg thing at the line in the bank, or just smeared butter and Koolaid mix on the cat... don't beat him. Don't even yell at him. If you can control your frustration, just understand their point of view, and use that to get the behavior you actually want.

Posted by Punkie @ 09:19 AM EST [Link]

Sunday, November 7, 2004

One week to age barrier...

The countdown clock is ticking...

Next weekend I turn 36. Due to Sawa's birthday on the same weekend (which is why she's my Scorpion Sistah!), my party isn't until the weekend after next, so don't worry, you didn't miss it. You can still come!

The age of 36 was supposed to be the end of my time limit (self-imposed) on fixing what was wrong with me. The theory was, it took the first 18 years of my life to screw me up, and it will take another 18 years to fix it. I'd say the job is 80% done. There's still some issues about my physical health that need some serious work, a few maturity issues, and those will have to wait until CR is out and on his own a scant four years from now. I have to still survive his teenaged years, but so far, it hasn't been bad at all.

Some of the things that surprise me and make me grin is I'll be 40 when CR is in his first year in college. If he actually does follow his dream to become a vet, I'll be in my late 40s when he accomplishes that. And Christine's younger than me! Our "empty nest" life will be starting while most of our friends are still wrestling with toddlers and little kids.

With the death of my grandmother this year, my hatred towards my dad just sort of petered away, which was a very big step and major crossing point in my life I had been working on for the last 5 or so years. That was one thing that took forEVER to work through. I have finally accepted him as a stranger in my life, he never loved me, and never will. I am okay with that. He doesn't hate me, he doesn't even THINK about me, so why should I even think about him? It's over. I gave him a chance, but I have to move on. Over the years, all the bad stuff he did to me will be reduced to a footnote in my life, and when people ask me about Arvid, I'll say, "He was in the house I lived in while growing up, and we never got along. I don't know what eventually happened to him. My life started when I moved into the FanTek house at age 18." I don't even feel a pang of sadness anymore when I say that aloud.

It feels good to be free.

I am sure there will be a few times I'll still relive some awful thing he did, but even with all the bad things that happened this year, those flashbacks get farther and farther between episodes. This blog helped. It felt like, if I wrote it down, I could let it go.

The tapes helped, too. They helped mend a bridge back to my past in many ways I never could have imagined. I still have a lot of them to go through, and I'll recount them here as I promised earlier.

Posted by Punkie @ 06:53 PM EST [Link]

Weekend chores - a good start

I'm pretty pleased at a lot of the stuff I did today. Being forced to be home isn't so bad because I can get a lot done. There was a ton of stuff that needed done I hadn't been able to do because it got pushed down the stack of job lists pretty far. This year has been pretty hectic, as my readers know.

There are always tons of little things that need tending to. I did a lot of cleaning, which is akin to an archeological dig of layers of stuff form events in history over the last few months. I find a lot of treasure. Partly because things move around my house myseriously, and have some life of their own. Like for instance, the gremlins-that-be removed a cap from a can of bug spray. The cap ended up in my den somehow, and the can was in the kitchen. I got them back together again. Somehow, bags of Lipton tea started migrating around the house in clumps. I got them all back in the box of Lipton tea bags, only to find out I had more teabags than space in the box. My Lipton tea is BREEDING! I found Christine's Russian gypsy tarot deck, which went missing just before Samhain. It was on top of the dryer. Since I have done several loads of laundry since they were known to be missing, the fact they were on the dryer in plain sight means that they vanished, went somewhere, and came back within the last two days. I wonder where they went, why, and why them came back on the dryer, and not the locked green sewing box Christine nromally keeps them in? Those cards have done this before. I am glad my tarot stays put for the most part. My Prodigy CD, "Fat of the Land," which had been missing for months, turned up in my Rio portable MP3 player. The disk that HAD been there, a collection of techno mp3s, is now missing. Over time, we lose flatware, cups, and silverware. Today, I found two nests of the refugees, both areas owned by the same person, who found it funnier than I did that I found such a huge collection hidden away. I don't think THAT was the work of gremlins. For the last few months, I just assumed we had no more salad plates, and I'd have to go to the thrift store, again, to get more spoons. All these things I found while cleaning the kitchen, straightening up the guest room and living room, tidying up my den, and just cleaning up a few things I had been putting off with all those major events all year.

After my cleaning and treasure hunt, I decided to mow at least the back lawn. I got that done, and I even managed to edge the sidewalk in front of my house before the asthma got me too bad. I hadn't edged the sidewalk at all this year, so it was a little shaggy. I still have to rake/mow the front yard. Usually I do the front yard first, but the back yard had gotten so long that the dogs were having trouble getting around in it. The first thing Ahfu did when he got out was run around in grass shorter than he was.

Wheeeeee! Look at him go.

Posted by Punkie @ 06:14 PM EST [Link]

Saturday, November 6, 2004

Weekend on Call: All Quiet on the Western Front

I can't really go anywhere because I am on call for the next two weeks. This week, I am secondary, and next week, I am primary. Normally that would mean I only get called this week if the primary doesn't answer within 5 minutes. But what was supposed to happen was the primary on call was going to call me when something happened. Then Sprint...

... and I want to rant about Sprint, but promised myself I would not because I don't want to offend my friends that work there...

... Sprint "lost" my order for a new phone. I won't get into why this relates, except to say I was supposed to get a new phone for work, and didn't. So I got a pager instead. One of those older pagers. Not an ancient one the size of the first Gameboy, no; I actually knew someone who had one of those back in the 1980s. But this is one of the first kind that was 2-way, it has a flip-top and a worn thumbpad, and is obviously recycled. It works. Sorta.

Okay, I had this exact same model in 1999, when I did international network operations. When I started doing the wardialing, I didn't need one, but used one for administration purposes, like when a server went down or something. Well, they didn't consider this "justified," so they took the pager back, and I didn't really complain because I had already gone to Linux and my servers never went down enough to justify the monthly cost (I only had 3 major incidents with 8 servers in 4 years).

Time passes...

So I get this new/used pager. They set up an account. I test my pager via phone and e-mail, and it works. But at work, they have a pager "system" you have to be in, and THAT is not working. After much investigation, what I suspected all along turns out to be true. They had two accounts, the new one, and the old one still active, pointing to my old 1999 pager. So they tested the old one, of course.

Doh!

And they went back and forth all day Friday trying to fix it. First, they deleted the wrong one. Then they set up the another new one, but ran into some "trouble for new account creation." They tried to change the old one, but it never "took." I was in class at this time, as was my new boss, both of us having to deal with this.

I was at Nate's housewarming today, and told him about it, and we're sure they never fixed it, and it won't be fixed until Monday. Ish. And he's on vacation all next week, so I have to deal with my old manager.

Now, either the primary on call has gotten no pages, which is possible. Last week we had a work moratorium on all new systems, so only failures would be reported. The guy on call last week go no pages at all. Or, the primary on call won't page me, because he's... a loner. And I don't mean he doesn't like me, or he's got a chip on his shoulder, he's just a guy who just wants the job done, and doesn't like slowing down to train new people. Shy would be a better word than loner.

But I have to remain glued to the pagers and cell phone. And I have to be home in case something happens, and I have to log into the machines at work.

I went out to Nate's house because I figured, hey, he's my new boss and all, he'll buy the excuse or will have a way for me to call in if need be. The rest of this weekend, I plan to get a LOT of housework done.

If my asthma lets me.

My asthma has been really bad this fall. I don't know why. I have nothing more to comment on that but I hate having asthma. My lawn needs mowed, and I will try hell or high water to do at least part of it tomorrow.

Posted by Punkie @ 09:08 PM EST [Link]

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

4 more years... ugh

Well, we lost.

Not much to say, really, except maybe this will clinch Hillary in 2008. I hope we don't piss off other countries too badly, and I hope that the ... man, I just hope that we don't kill a lot of people. Both internationally and domestically.

Posted by Punkie @ 04:02 PM EST [Link]

Election angst

I wish it was over already. I hate this waiting. I want Kerry to win, but my consolation to him losing is that this will be even more rope to hang the Republican party. If Bush wins, he's going to make a lot of people look real stupid. A lot of Republicans that supported him have been divided, and this might fracture the Republican party, or at least weaken it. The next four years will make the Iran Contra scandal look tame by comparison. VP Dick Cheney's company Haliburton is totally reaming the US coffers, for instance. We went to war with Afghanistan and Iraq with almost no support, we never caught the guy who sent the suicide bombers, our budget is at a record deficit (after being in a surplus), and people in other countries hate us.

But US citizens still vote for him. I heard because he's "religious and moral." These people are the fine products of a bad education system lenient on the ignorant. Those who studied medieval Europe would know what a "religious leader" is capable of: crusades, inquisitions, and witch-burning. The crusades part has already been done in Iraq. The Inquisitions? Guantanamo Bay and the Patriot Act. Witch burning? Coming soon.

These are becoming the dark ages of the United States.

Then, just like the 50s and early 60s, there will be a huge shift in culture that will lead to another cultural revolution. The 2010s will be something to watch, I am sure.

Posted by Punkie @ 09:23 AM EST [Link]

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

Voting madness

Before I say this, let me tell you the overwhelming good feelings in my heart that the voting turnout is so high. In all the years I have voted, it was nowhere near this many people. I'd honestly say that more then ten times the number of people I have ever seen turn out were standing in line for hours.

Hours.

It was hours, almost three. We arrived at Greenbriar West ES, and stood in line from about 7:30 until 10:20. There were only 4 digital booths and about 5-6 volunteers for the hundreds that were standing in line for hours. Everyone was pretty friendly, but it was really hard to stand for that long on hard school floors. Also, Greenbriar West (my son's old ES) is going under some major construction changes, so exposed ceiling, wires, pipes, and bare drywall were everywhere. Nothing dangerous, but it was kind of like being in some strange industrial-looking backdrop.

First, you snaked through the school, and then you got to the gym, and the line doubled back about 4 times across the gym. They were handling about 2 voters a minute. I already knew who and what (bills, bonds, amendments) I was voting on, so the guy explaining how it worked took longer than the actual voting. And again, everyone was pretty friendly, even though most of them didn't think it would take THIS long and many cell phone calls were made to work, babysitters, and spouses regarding the lateness.

I voted! Yay!

Posted by Punkie @ 11:50 AM EST [Link]

Monday, November 1, 2004

How did Halloween go?

Faboo, that's how!

We got up early to see Nybor and Elspeth off, and then we started the Halloween preparations. Christine assembled this new motion/sound sensitive ghost, I packed all the goody bags, and CR put up most of the outside decor. We had Matt, Anya, Sean., Lou and the kids over, ate pizza, and chatted into the cool (not cold) night air. All kids that came to our house got:

- 1 Glow-in-the-dark bracelet (the kind you snap, shake, and it glows for 8 hours)
- 1 Full-sized candy bar (either Milky Way or a Reese's PB Cup 2-pk)
- 1 Package of Pop Rocks (awesome!)
- 1 Squeezy monster horn (toot!)
- 1 Glow-in-the-dark spider ring (light activated, UV sensitive, a tribute to my mom)

We had slightly less kids than last year (I am thinking 40 or so), but more little kids than last year. A few teens, but no anti-costume, "gimme some can-deh!" kinds. The kids mostly came in waves and clusters of 4-5, a few single or double-kid stragglers with parents, and long gaps in between. They started coming around sunset, about 6:30, and the last one was an early 8:30. We shut down at 9. Matt and Anya stayed until 10:30, and after they left, Christine and I went to bed where I spilled about a pint of Diet Coke on myself. Dammit.

We tried to put costumes on the dogs, but Ahfu's costume (a devil) kept falling off of him, and Widget went mental with all the past few days' activities, so we couldn't get the costume (a bee) on him, and decided to keep him in the bedroom where he barked for hours because his brain is the size of a dried chick pea. Ahfu LOVES greeting kids for Halloween (he's been doing this mostly since he was a puppy), so he had a great time.

Posted by Punkie @ 12:45 PM EST [Link]

College Degrees

I don't have a college degree, something that shocks a few people from time to time. "But you're so smart," some say, in so many words, which kind of ticks me off like if you didn't have one, you are automatically a dum-dum. Do I wish I had one? Yes. Why don't I have one? There are a few reasons I will summarize.

I was supposed to go to college. In my senior year in high school, my mother committed suicide. She had my college money, which I never saw again (it was kept from my father in secret, so when she died, he just assumed it was his, and I really don't hold that against him as much as others might). She also was the driving force to continue onwards, which means I would have gone to college more for her than for me. My father forced me out of the house right after graduation, and left me alone for the rest of my life. And good riddance. Being on my own, even though I had enough money (from 2 years of working, plus my mother's Social Security checks until I graduated) saved for a year of college, the long-term prospects looked dim. I was TOTALLY on my own; no parents, no relatives, and while I had friends, none of them were in a position to help. Those that were, like Bruce and Cheryl, gave me a place to live, but I had to pay rent. Then I lost my job, which wasn't steady at all. I got a new job 2 months later, and have been working ever since. I never had enough time or money to go to college. Hell, when I spent just 2 weeks for the CCNA, and one for the RHCE, I knew I could only do two things at once: job and family. And that was just ONE subject. In order to actually pass college, which requires multiple subjects, I would have to either not work, or abandon my family, which can't happen. Plus, I can't afford college anyway.

Do I regret it? No. Actually, and I can say this with absolute confidence, my life turned out way better than if I had gone to college. If my mother was still alive, and I went to college, the most likely scenario would have been that I would have burned out after 2 years, I'd still be taking care of my drunk mother, I probably wouldn't have moved out, and I'd be a much, much darker, horrid, and depressing asshat than I want to admit I am capable of. And I never would have met Christine, had a son, or really, any of my friends. I certainly wouldn't be doing computers, and if I did graduate and get a job somewhere, I doubt it would involve my degree in astrophysics.

A few months ago, I took a poll on several lists, boards, and at work, asking several college degree related questions. The answers were thusly.

Number of people who responded: 58

Is your degree related to your current work? 61% said yes, which was higher than I thought, but the higher rate I think it attributed to the fandom lists, which were almost 60% of the people who responded. At work, the rate was lower than 20%. This may be to the "tech explosion" that started around here in the mid 1990s.

What form did you get your degree in? Most (88%) got something they could frame, usually in a folder or already framed. 50% said they got a scroll (most got it along with the frameable one). 3 people said they got a wallet-sized one, and one person said that her and her sister still haven't gotten anything for years, even though they keep bugging the college (they got transcripts, though, to prove they have a degree. Yikes!

Did you ever need to show physical proof of your degree? Here we are more split, with only 26% saying they did, but most did not, and relied on transcripts, but most were never asked to prove they had a degree at all! I know I read somewhere that there are people with fake degrees, or people who outright lie, working in degree-dependent jobs. Once in a while you hear in the news about some professor getting called on it, or a coach who lied about his experience. But I am in the fake it until you make it category. If you have faked being a professor for 20 years, and you did a good job? Hell. He or she has proven themselves by that point. Let them slack.

Do you know where your degree is? We have a more even spread here, where the winner was "in a box somewhere" (or the equivalent, like dresser/closet/basement) at 38%, but in second place with 35% was "I have no idea." This seems worrisome, but I can't exactly explain why. The rest had them on a wall, or displayed out in the open at work, home, or one had theirs hanging in their parent's house, but knowing his parents, this doesn't surprise me (only child, made Phd).

If I ever go to college, I'll be damn sure I'll have mine hanging on a wall.

Posted by Punkie @ 09:29 AM EST [Link]