Thursday, September 30, 2004

Weird Names

I was listening to some show on the Science Channel about Social Engineering, and I heard the old fable about someone leaving the name Mr. Lemonjello (pronounced Leh-MON-juh-lo), when I remembered an interesting name back in my retail days.

When I was a furniture store manager, one of my jobs was to go over weekly orders to see who would get their stuff delivered so I could do a follow-up. One week, I was looking over people would be doing parking lot pickups (truck arrives in mall parking lot, furniture picked up by customer), and I was shocked to see what my assistant had called one of them:

Customer Name: Female Moron.

Uh.. uh... uh... what??? My assistant explained that was his name. It was pronounced "feh-MAL-lee moh-ROHN." I made a note on the ticket. When the pickup happened, we had to check customer ID to make sure it was their stuff. Sure enough, French Guiana Passport (or some French speaking African nation) said "Female Moron," with an accent over the last e. He was aware of the name issue in English, but said it doesn't bother him anymore. "At least you took the time to pronounce it right," he said.

Posted by Punkie @ 10:06 AM EST [Link]

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Music discoveries

My quest for music is always taking strange turns. A few days ago, my old friend Seth sent me some of his remix CDs. I knew him back when he was "Commander" back in the old BBS days. He was part of a "wave" of FanTek newbies that came in the early 90s, and included some people like Lije, Hilary, Anne, and Kai. Many of them went to the West coast for some reason, and have been involved in the "alternate scene." Seth's remix CDs are very good. I know a lot of it is generic techno with remixes that last 62 minutes, but the beat and mix are good, so I can see these being VERY popular in Euro-pop dance clubs. After listening to them at work (I got headphones), I was definitely in an altered state where I wanted to order imported beer and talk on my Czech retro-cell phone the size of a brick (because, currently, big is the new small).

"Daaaahling, kiss kiss, you MUST introduce me to your new friend. Did I ever tell you painted in Amster-dahm? Stedelijk is the NEW Paris, you know..."

Anyway, Travis IMs me with some girl named Lederhosen Lucil, and I have been listening to her MP3s. She reminds me a lot of the early B-52s, and I think I like her style. A little new wave, a little lounge, and very German girl eclectic. He also linked me to "The Planet Smashers," a kind of ska band (NB: punk has its roots in ska, which is related musically to reggae with tempo on the upbeat). I need new music, because I "go through" music pretty quickly, only visiting the past once in a while once I have left it behind. "Oh, Siouxsie and the Banshees... I remember them... Nothing or no-one will ever make me let you down...Kiss them for me...I may be delayed..."

"ROSE, dahhling, how do you stay so THIN? I must have the number for your spa, you look absolutely gorgeous and I love you and your new look, it's like the freshest milk... MWAH!"

My music tastes cater into the techno-industrial-goth-punk end of the "spectrum," as it were, which isn't for everyone. In fact, even when I was a kid, I listened to weird stuff no one else "got" like some of the bands that would make it to Dr. Demento, a.k.a., "Novelty Bands." Barnes and Barnes was a good example. Some of the albums you could only get by direct mail-order, which got me on a mailing list with questionable material like "Mellow Mail," which I got some of my first gag tee-shirts. They also sold bongs for a while, with descriptions of, "It looks like a lighter, but slide this here and here, and fill the mesh screen bowl with your favorite smoking matter..." Favorite smoking matter. But I digress. Most of my old albums are on cassette tape, because they took up less room than record albums, although their performance degraded with time. Thank God for CDs and mp3/ogg collections.

"Tell the Asian deejay he's more hip than a Russian gun holster, I mean SERiously... his style is like a breath of fresh cold air tinted with the heartbeat of a giant hummingbird, and his knitted cap and dyed Fu Man Chu braid is just aDORable... if I didn't have to sit on this stool and finish my $40 beer, I would be dancing like a rock star on crack AND heroin. Just listen to me, I am so BAD...!"

God, that guy is annoying.

Posted by Punkie @ 12:57 PM EST [Link]

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Spin Cycle: Jeanne's Revenge

So, I am at work, proud of a new project I just completed despite impossible odds, and I get this "Code Blue" E-mail:

"Please be advised that the National Weather Service has indicated there is a possibility of flood and severe weather, including a tornado watch until 9PM, in the northern VA area, including Arlington, Fairfax, and Prince William counties."

Great.

Posted by Punkie @ 03:57 PM EST [Link]

Worldcon bid musings

I had this idea...

Worldcon in Iceland.

No, wait, come back! Okay, I searched the web, and no, there doesn't seem to be a prevalent science fiction community in Iceland. But its location is very convenient. Almost right between Europe and North America, it has a good travel time (4-5 from either side), has a lot of Viking history (fanboys and girls like Vikings, right?), and a what a cool-ass, sci-fi alien set backdrop! Volcanoes! Glaciers! Hot pools of water right next to snowbanks.

Seriously, have you ever seen the view from Keflavik Airport? Right out of Star Trek.

I started looking around, and the hotel situation is a bit grim. Currently, the largest hotel capacity I could find was 209 rooms, and when you add that with all the other major hotels in the biggest city, Reykjavik, it came to just under 1000 rooms. That doesn't seem like much.

I took at look here to see considerations at running a Worldcon. I ran into problems with a few of them.

Pros: Exotic location, midway point between Europe and North America, plenty to do and see, friendly people, the cool Viking element.

Cons: Hotels not big enough, "Conference Centre and Hotel" not built yet, and when built, may not house more than 600. Iceland population 250,000... an additional 6000 fanboys may tip the island on its side. It's also a bit expensive, like Japan, because they import almost everything.

Oh well. I thought it seemed too good to be true.

Posted by Punkie @ 01:45 PM EST [Link]

Monday, September 27, 2004

But onto other things... Happy Birthday, Chickin, and Samhain at our house?

As for some other events that happened this weekend...

Work has been busy. Learning and such. Already, I am seeing the same "black hole" problems I used to see when I worked the NOC. "I need documentation on such-and-such," I say for one of my first projects. No response. Well, time to be an asshole again. Now where did I put that, "I need to speak to your supervisor now!" stamp? The sick thing is, I started to enjoy that kind of power in the NOC. My boss encourages it. Heh heh heh...

Anyway, this Saturday, we went to Travis' Birthday party. I will again repeat that Travis's dad and stepmother are cool people. Travis didn't ask for presents, but I got him a gift card for Best Buy anyway, because he deserves good things. We arrived late because Christine has been having some serious Autumn-related allergies, and has been having massive sinus headaches and trouble breathing. CR got to drive a tractor, I got to talk with April about TWOP (it's weird, knowing someone else in person who knows Glark and Wing), and got to see Dave.

Christine cleaned out part of her den, replaced the CD-ROM drive in her computer, and I swapped her flaky monitor with my older, but better-working one. I figured I'll use her monitor until it dies, and then I'll get a newer, bigger one! Ha ha ha! Yeah, right. Actually, I am praying it lasts another year, but I have some smaller (15") spares if I need them.

Late Sunday night, we got a call from our old friend Elspeth. After Bobbie had passed away, Christine and I figured they'd (Elspeth and Nybor) lose the house (they did), so we offered ours for Haven because it has a lot of room and spare emendates. Well, we didn't hear back from them right away, then we spent months doing the "phone tag" thing. We finally met up via phone Sunday night, and I listened to her tired voice. I know Bobbie's death took a lot out of her and Nybor. Elspeth said she'd been traveling a lot, and apologized for not getting in touch with us sooner. She hadn't allowed herself any time to plan anything, and was just now getting around to planning Samhain, and wondered, should she need it, if our house was still up for an offer. We said, "Of course," so if Elspeth decides on our house, we might have Haven Samhain ritual here. Pretty cool. She's still planning Yule on the property in Winchester, but she's going to have to confirm that. Elspeth sounded so worn. I hadn't spoken with her since Bobbie had passed away, and I just wanted to reach through the phone and give her a hug.

I did a lot of nothing. I should have done more work on the bathroom, but my arthritis has been hurting with all the weather patterns. Oy, gevalt.

Posted by Punkie @ 01:52 AM EST [Link]

Being Bullied in the Real World

It's 12:30 in the morning as I started type this. I am waiting on some last-minute laundry, pondering the existence of life and such. In the last week, two people unwittingly said something that had me feeling badly. One said, "I stopped reading your blog, it was depressing as hell to see what you were going through." Another said that she saw my blog as a story of disaster, hoping good would prevail in the end. Neither one of these people meant it in a bad way, but it hit a nerve because I never want to be one of those whiny goths, I want to be a perky goth. But I have really been mopey goth since...

... Jesus, I read through my past year like flipping through a scrapbook written by bad Australian Soap Opera writers ("Stailla... I luuv yew!"). Twice in the last week, I have had friends who haven't read my blog, nor have I seen since Evecon, asking what's been going on. I don't want to tell them. I don't. But I am a poor liar, and can't force myself to lie, "Oh, nothing!" I told one, "it's been a rebuilding year." That didn't go well, because I could hear the raised eyebrow through the phone. Another was going through personal tragedy of her own, but she's always been a sympathetic soul, so I said, "Oh, well, after I last saw you, my grandmother died, Christine's brother died, we have had massive money problems, we went to Vegas and got really sick, in fact, we got sick a lot this year... then I got laid off..." Of course, that was my friend Betty, who had just lost Bobbie, and now I kind of wish I hadn't said anything. I hope I didn't come across like I was trying to one-up her.

There have been many times I wanted to give up. I haven't really thought about suicide that much, because I have this ego problem that if I even attempt it, all those people I talked out of killing themselves since the 80s will find out, and I'll look like a hypocrite. But I mean, give up as in resign myself that my life will always be an unhappy struggle, and my death will probably come when God runs out of cruel pranks. Sometimes, I have shouted at God like Lieutenant Dan from "Forrest Gump," daring him to kill me, and when he doesn't, I know he's scared I'll find him and beat the shit out of him. Sometimes I try and convince myself everyone's life is this bad; I just granulize it. Then I start hearing people go, "Damn... your life sucks, dude!" I try and say, "Well, at least I am not in junior high anymore," which has always been a kind of splash of cold water in my face, but that's just resulted in me reliving things I would have rather forgotten.

I was beat up or bullied nearly every week in junior high. Every week. Why did I take it? Sometimes I wish I could go back, and play the crazy guy. I know I was a fat weakling who couldn't fight, and made such a tempting target. But now I know if I had snapped just once, and really hurt someone, really made a public display of crazed insanity; no one would have bothered me. Maybe Chris Riffer could have pounded me to tartar, but if I bit him, and tore off a body part like an ear or a nose... school kids know you don't mess with that! Kate taught me the value of "the crazy." She had a reputation of being crazy-go-nuts violent, even though the only public display she showed was when Donnalee tried to dunk her at the pool (I forgot what she did in retaliation, the tales varied so widely in exaggeration). I don't know how Kate would have fared in a real fight, but people were scared of her, and she played the part well. Then there's the element of "fear of the unknown," like, "No one fights the retarded kid," someone told me years later, "because they will fight raw. You never know what they are going to do."

Why do I bring this up? Because I am feeling pretty beaten up. I used to take several different paths home from school, often through woods or across a creek or two. I could tell you 5-10 different ways from the corner of Rugby and Westmoreland to Southridge. Sometimes the bullies were ahead of me, and sometimes they were actively looking for me. "Hey, there's Larson!" I usually got away, because they didn't cross creeks for some reason, and didn't follow me into deep woods. Sometimes, I would be sitting behind the fence of a tennis court, trying to discern where the bullies were. Maybe I'd stay they for an hour, hoping they'd get bored and move on. Or try and triangulate where they were without being seen. This became harder when the followed me to high school, but luckily, by my sophomore year, most grew out of it, and those that didn't ended up in juvenile detention or something. Either way, they were gone. But now, the shadow of those memories are back.

With everything that's been happening, I have felt scared. I don't have any woods to run into, no tennis courts to hide behind, no creeks to wade across, and no darkened overpass to hide in. Many of my old habits have been regressing, like the self-blaming, the insulting, the tapes that go in my head, saying I am in pain and suffer because I deserve it. "Why don't you just go away?" they go, "No one likes you. You make the grownups feel awkward, and the kids can sense your difference." Of course, none of my friends have treated me in this manner, so these are all old tapes in my head. All these plays and scenes are ghosts from the past, pretending to be real again. Like the "dark side of the Force," they cloud everything. I feel like being happy is a privilege, not a right, and I am so far down the scale of that privilege, being happy will always result in punishment.

People used to make fun of my laugh. Not since I was 15, but they used to. My father did, the kids around me did... and I developed this annoying habit of suppressing laughter during my "I have no emotions, I am like a Vulcan" days of denial (ages 12-14). To this day, whenever I laugh, I reflexively follow with an, "I'm sorry," because I feel my laughter annoys people, and sucks the fun out of a room. As an adult, I can find nothing wrong with my laughter (and no one else has commented on it), but I think the "I'm sorry" is more of an "I am sorry I lost control." When I later realized that denial of all emotion meant denial of all joy as well as pain, I realized that I was following the path of my father. This revulsion of who he was might have been my saving grace, but it's hard to form a solid philosophy of "not being" something. But I lost a huge part of my ability to be happy as a kid, and now, at 36, I wonder if I'll ever be "allowed" to have it again.

I cling to other's good fortune like a ship's mast in a violent sea. I try and tell myself that other's can have hope and joy, and maybe someday I can, too. Recently, two of my close friends have gone under some spiritual awakenings. Both who had troubled futures, and while this joy may be fleeting, at least I gain some sense of calm that Rogue and Sawa are doing "the right thing" and finding peace in their lives. I saw Sawa this weekend, with her hair growing back, a pentacle around her neck, sharing a really strong tea with a bunch of friends. She looked happy. This gave me a tiny sense of joy, like a small flame I have to cradle and protect from everything else before it gets snuffed out.

I really want to be happy. I really do.

I know this was kind of depressing, but thanks for those who read it to the end. I just had to let this out. I'll be okay, because I have suffered worse. At least I am not alone anymore.

Posted by Punkie @ 01:28 AM EST [Link]

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Food I Cannot Stand

There are a few things I hate in life I wish I didn't. I have food allergies, like a lot of veggies (corn, asparagus, brussel sprouts), beans, curry, eggs (which I love, but they don't love me), and some dairy (see eggs). But here is a list of foods that, as far as I know, I am not allergic to, but I just hate and I feel guilty about it.

Vinegar. Honestly, anything with a lot of vinegar in it tastes like something spoiled, and when vinegar is not diluted by something else (like tomatoes ketchup), it gives me the heaves. Like relish, vinaigrette salad dressing, and in fact, MOST salad dressings (and dips) literally spawn the gag reflex, like I was swallowing something I vomited into my own mouth. It is truly vile, and this always tops my list because I think there is something seriously wrong with my taste buds and I am trying to talk some sense into them.

Raisins. I think I have a texture issue with these, because the taste, while sweet, seems too sweet, but I can't get over how much they look like rabbit pellets. I don't gag when I eat raisins, but I really dislike their presence in cookies, muffins, and definitely out of the box. I have tried, on several occasions, to try liking them, but I just can't. Raisins always seemed like someone was trying to trick me into thinking they were chocolate chips, although in reality, no one has ever tried to do this to me that I know of.

Coconut. Blecch. The "milk" tastes like water, and the meat is far too complicated to get to, and it always tastes like earwax. Even artificial coconut. I feel really bad about this for some reason.

Avocados. See raisins. Except the muffin parts. Sometimes I'll eat avocado-based dip, but only if the chips are salty and good enough to cover the texture element.

Plums. Too sweet and messy.

Potato chips. Too greasy, salty, eucch. I don't care what flavor, but "sour cream and onion" and "salt and vinegar" have to be the worst ever.

Any artificially cheese-flavored snack. Like Cheetos, Cheese Doritos, Cheezits, Cheez Whiz, etc...

Any spicy food "snack." Like Slim Jims, Hot Fries, etc...

Lobster. Actually, I can eat it, but for the price, it tastes only like what I dip it in; it has NO taste of its own. Shrimp has taste. Crabs have taste. Hell, even fishes have taste. But lobster, to me, is completely tasteless, unless dipped in garlic and herb sauce, then it tastes like garlic and herb sauce, and if I want to taste garlic and herb sauce, I can just use bread. And it tastes better.

I know someone of you are thinking, "You're crazy, I *LOVE* [blah blah]..." and I know it, I am crazy. And over the years, I have expanded my love of different foods, but for the most part, the foods above I can't get over.

Posted by Punkie @ 07:25 PM EST [Link]

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

... Lenny Bruce is not afraid...

It's the end of the world as we know it... sometimes.

The article I linked to brings up some interesting points, although I always thought the Mayan 2012 thing was their calendar version of the Y2K bug. The author mentions a time in 1964 where people were afraid to die in gym class, and it reminded me of my own middle school past.

This would have been around 1982, I think. On a Tuesday. For a whole week, kids were joking around and nervously tittering about some "Alignment of the Planets" kind of thing that would spell disaster according to some rules I have long since forgotten. Because I was all of 13, I sort of didn't know what to believe. I mean, everyone was talking about it, and then when "the day" arrived, it was all anyone could speak about. Teachers of Longfellow Intermediate High School were a mix of, "Let it all end, thank God..." and "Whatever..." I have gym as a last period, and the kids who were making jokes about it were really quiet. Not much got done; it really seemed like there was a mass belief of "yeah, in just a few hours, none of this will matter." My stomach knotted in fear, the same kind of fear I had about nuclear war. By the end of gym, I was resigned that the world was really going to end, and nothing mattered.

That day, however, I was in some kind of detention with my racist history teacher. I don't know why I was staying after school (probably some homework-related thing where he'd say he was helping us, but in reality we just sat there while he quietly read the paper), but in the midst of my misery, I actually forgot about the end of the world until some kid ran in, and said, "End of the world starts in 5 minutes!" The teacher told him to get out. I think it was 3:15 on that Tuesday when the planets would line up exactly and blow us to smithereens. Along with the other few kids in the classroom, we watched the school clock click to 3:15. Our wall clocks at the time were all synchronized by some mechanical process, and they didn't have a second hand, they just clicked every minute to the next mark. I recall that "click" at 3:15, and wondering, "Does it end at 3:15 exactly, or is it a gradual process? Is the school clock accurate to the minute?" I looked at my watch and noticed it said 3:17. I must have been very pale.

Obviously, the world did not end at 3:15 that day, although I spent most of it wondering how gradual this process was. I came home to my usual routine; mother drunk, father away at work. I watched the news on the TV (I wasn't supposed to watch TV, but we had a small black and white set in the kitchen I'd sometimes watch, and that way, I could see when my father came home to turn it off), and they said nothing. I gradually began to be bummed it was a hoax (my life sucked, I was kind of glad it was going to end), although it took me several hours to finally relax enough to sleep (apparently, I didn't want to sleep through the spectacle).

No dying today.

The next day, no one said anything. I didn't have friends in 7th grade (apart from Neal in Texas, and some of the people I played D&D with at the community center on weekends), so I didn't have anyone to ask about it, and since no one said anything I have always been left wondering who believed versus who knew it was phony all along. Or was there a difference? I think the line was blurred in many cases.

Still, I wonder about all those people who believe the world is going to end, and when the date passes, what do they say? Oops?

Posted by Punkie @ 12:32 PM EST [Link]

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Keeping the volume low...

One of the things I *have* to remember is that I have a booming voice, and I am not alone in an office anymore. Not only does this mean, "Don't bug the other guy in the office with you," but it also means, "your voice echoes through the hallway, into the ventilation shaft, and around all the offices around you." This includes playing sounds.

So don't discuss what hentai is to your office mate, even if he asks for you to explain it to him, and you want to give him the impression, "Hentai is just a SMALL part of anime." This goes double for the psychology behind bura-sera.

Or thinking at 7:30am, you are the only one in the hallway, and you are playing a game of, "what's this wav file play?" (it wasn't dirty, it was just a Victor Borge bit).

Twice in 24 hours I have been spoken to about my noise. When I move to a pod? This will be an even bigger problem. I will be buying headphones, and try and leave notes around that I should keep quiet, or at least lower my voice.

Oops.

Once, in another job, I got a death threat about it. Somewhere, in my files of stuff, I have saved the 1996 incident where someone left a death threat in my cubicle. Now, honestly, I didn't consider it to be a real death threat, but it went something like:

every damn day i heard you talk about some weird shit, like about mormons, or how you never lend anyone your pocket knife. i don't give a shit about those things. you are so annoying, if i hear you one more time, i will be forced to kill you.

It was actually a bit longer, with some more swear words, and lots of misspellings and grammar errors. I made comments in the note, posted it back in my pod, complete with corrections in spelling. My boss saw it, and asked who wrote it. I told him I didn't know. He then removed the note and reported it as a serious death threat. Now, my boss at the time was a great guy in so many ways, but I thought this was overkill. I just saw this as a guy venting their frustrations, and I put it up to remind me to keep my voice down. "It says he will be forced to kill you, we have to report this," said my boss, so HR came in, security got involved, and it was spoken about in a team meeting. I was "not allowed to say anything specific about the incident for security reasons," and that, "the writer, should they be found, will be terminated." Gees! I don't think they were serious! But then I got a story about how, at another building recently, someone was attacked and stabbed by a former coworker (or something), and yatta yatta yatta ... security-cakes.

I never did find out if they actually found out who gave it to me (they even searched the printer buffers and logs), but finally, the whole thing settled down and that was that. The scuttlebutt later was that it was this other guy a few pods down in accounting, and he had "some issues," which led to his suicide a few months later. But this was gossip, along with a note about the gossip in my employee file which I got to keep after a job promotion.

So ... now you can see why I am REALLY going to try and be a team player here, and keep my voice down, on topic, and play music via headphones.

I don't want someone to kill themselves over my various off-topic rants ... heh.

Posted by Punkie @ 10:21 AM EST [Link]

Monday, September 20, 2004

Moving on up...

Well, my new boss is away on training today, so I am finishing up my office move. What a lot of CRAP I have! I mean, most of it does not go with me, but I have to sort what goes with me and what doesn't. I have a lot of paperwork I can toss now, and I have a ton of computer equipment I am ditching to the old group.

It's kind of weird, going through all the old projects and paperwork. Oh, look, there's the customs paperwork for that Hong Kong server that was gutted and ruined by the Chinese border guards. And here's a server that used to host a webcam (as an experiment at a remote location where we had security issues - the camera was never installed). Tons of reimbursements when the company used to buy me books I needed. Reports going back to pre-Y2K, as part of a backup plan. Notes from tons of meetings, now 90% of them useless. A lot of install CDs.

My stomach still hurts from Saturday, and I have a roaring headache, and it's hard to see the monitor as I type. I am not sure if the crab cakes were bad, or went bad on the time between the tornado scares and when ate them. I am betting they went bad in my stomach because of the nerves. My stomach muscles are sore like I have been punched several times by bullies, and it's hard to get up from a sitting position.

Oh, and I just heard Baltimore is on fire. Well, underground, so far. This makes the second time this has happened in 4 years. The last time was that disastrous Otakon many years ago, when the heat of the fire burst out all the fireplugs around the convention center just as they evacuated.

Posted by Punkie @ 10:20 AM EST [Link]

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Spin cycle aftermath

Well, the house fared okay. We lost some siding and the gutters are down on the other side of the house (opposite side of these). There are a few large downed limbs in the street, but nothing one or two people can't haul away. Everything is plastered with bright green leaves and small branches. I don't think my neighborhood actually got hit by a tornado, but we got hit by some of the huge cross winds that Ivan brought in its path.

We were at the Outback, about the get our food when CR called and said tornadoes had been sighted. As we were driving home, people were calling into the radio with sightings, and several were within a mile of my house. I never saw one, because the sky was a dark gray like a mountain was looming over us. As I mentioned before, one hit the Cineplex where we were going to see "Hero." I heard on the news that our main Dulles building had been hit, there was some damage with shattered windows, torn trees, and just a lot of assorted debris the tornado had sucked up before it got there. But nothing that can't be fixed in a week. There was supposedly a gas leak, and they had to evacuate the whole campus (I thought, "We have gas?" I guess the cafeteria). They were lucky, because once that tornado continued on and hit Frederick, it was over a mile wide and tore apart whole buildings. There was one guy who had a Saturn where the whole side of the car had been torn off (Saturn cars have plastic panels), the car lifted off the ground, turned 180 degrees, and was dumped into his yard. Another family's whole second floor was torn to shreds, with no debris left larger than a yard long.

The whole thing ended around 10pm, and the Tornado Watch ended at midnight. I was so nervous, so broken down from everything else this year, I had to stop watching the news around 7 and let CR and Christine tell me when to duck and cover (the den where I was online is right next to out "sheltered area" in the house). We had to have the dogs penned up and cats locked up in their travel crates, and they were all panicking and freaking out over the noise and the smell of human fear. We sounded like the pound, with "Meeeeooooowww!! [whimper whimper] yap yap yap MEOOOoowww!" For hours. I couldn't take it.

I tried to eat the Outbacks food we bagged up with us, but my stomach was so knotted and in pain, that it made me sick, and I have spent the last 6-8 hours in gastric distress, with spells of vomiting, and my ulcer is obviously flared up. I really should not have, "tried to return to normal and eat." I figured I hadn't eaten since noon, and I should eat, and I might calm down.

All night I dreamt that huge black things with long elephant-like trunks were floating like evil super blimps in the sky, chasing my family through some dark woods, and all I could think of was that it was all my fault. These dreams stem from my deep childhood fears that my presence on this earth is why everyone was always so miserable, like why my parents fought, why adults were always so awkward around me, why I didn't have many friends and so on. The whole, "if you hadn't been born, no evil would be in this world" thing abused kids get told in various ways. Fear is a horrible thing, and since no one was there to comfort me as a kid, I don't have much resistance against the free-falling of doom and gloom. There is actually a part of my brain that goes, "You are being punished for daring to enjoy your recent success at work!" I wonder how many of my friends also suffer this? A symptom is when you say things like, "Enjoy it while it lasts," or "people are nice to me until they come to their senses." I figure it comes from people with unstable lives, who have short-lived happiness, and see joy as a vulnerability for "the forces against me" to attack. Children of alcoholics, for instance.

But we're fine, and once my stomach stops cramping and I can eat again, everything will return to normal. Christine is calling the insurance company on Monday to explain the damage. We're going to have to go into the back yard, assess real damage, take photos, and so on.

Posted by Punkie @ 03:03 PM EST [Link]

Friday, September 17, 2004

Tornado! Or two... or four...

Well, as I type this, I am between bands of weather and the remnants of Hurricane Ivan spin dozens of tornados all around our area. One touched down about a mile away from here, hitting the movie theater we were going to see "Hero" at (no reports of damage, if any, this was someone calling into a radio station). I think MOST of what has hit within a few miles of my house have been piddling weak ones, breaking limbs off of tress, blowing lawn furniture about, but nothing really big yet.

I also heard a tornado hit my work, the main building in Dulles, but again, eyewitness on radio, no reports of damage given (if any).

Christine and I were eating at the Outback when we heard the news of tondaro warnings (which are different from watches in the fact they have been seen), so we rushed home and stayed with CR, watching TV. Well, I had to stop watching TV, because it was freaking me out. They are mainly causing a lot of damage to our north as I type this. They already have some footage of tornandoes touching down. Some have been MASSIVE, but that's out near Frederick about 30mi north.

Everytime I hear a roar, I think, "Ah! It's coming!" But it's always a plane or a truck or something. I mean, Northern VA is getting hit HARD by dozens of these things. I hope when this is all over, it was all an exaggeration. Another band is coming our way from Front Royal and Winchester. Should hit here in about 20-30 min. So far, THAT band has been nothing but rain, but you never know...

I hate fear. Fear lies. Stupid fear...

Posted by Punkie @ 07:22 PM EST [Link]

More on the new location

My office move will be done by Tuesday. Then we move to a new building in October. A lot of stuff at work has involved shutting stuff down from the old department, and moving some equipment to my new one (I am taking a lot of the hardware to my new department because ... well, the old department no longer exists). I also took a lot of the links and suggestions for jobs people sent me to my ex-coworkers.

We had a meeting today where they released the a map of new building we'll be moving to in early October. I't's a cube farm, so I am going to get a Cubedoor, and possibly a webcam so I can see what's behind me. Sadly, these desks will be facing away from the door, and that makes me a bit jumpy. Thankfully, the walls are going to be at least 5 feet high. I say that because the walls in our Dulles campus are only about 3-4 feet high, making privacy almost nonexistent. We're inheriting the furniture from the previous tenant, and then when we move to our final destination across the street in 2-6 months (depending on construction). Window locations were given based on group seniority, which, sadly, I am not.

Comment from new coworker: "You like Legos too? Cool!" Heh. Little does he know...

I will be seeing "Hero" tonight to celebrate, and eat food at the Outback. Yum!

Posted by Punkie @ 04:50 PM EST [Link]

Weird thoughts

Since the stress of life has been greatly reduced very suddenly, there's an expanded part of my brain that now has nothing to do. I guess it's waiting to shrink back or something. All day, I have had the same random thoughts repeat in my head for no reason:

- Flavor Flave screaming, "Flava' FLAAAAVE!!!!"
- I bet a bunch of Nawlin Pagans are behind Hurricane Ivan "suddenly" going sharply East
- There's a "Generic Hawaiian Music" soundtrack playing in my head from "The Sims"

Weird.

Posted by Punkie @ 07:49 AM EST [Link]

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Supported behind the scenes

I am both humbled and grateful. Not only did my friends help out when I needed a job, but apparently a bunch of coworkers really worked hard as well.

Today was the first day I actually returned to the office since the layoff announcement. On Monday, right after the meeting, Roy said, "Fuck this, let's go home!" and gave me a lift home. I stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday, updating my resume, writing letters, and making some calls. Of course, I stopped when they offered me the job Wednesday. One of the stipulations of this was that I tell no one until COB (5pm) on Wednesday. They stressed "no one." But I soon learned that quite a few people knew. Not everyone, but most knew because apparently there was an informal campaign to keep me in the company.

No, really.

While I was cleaning up my old office to move into my temporary new one, one of the data analysts I had worked with for years came into my office with a heavy sigh, and whispered to me with a twinkle in her eye and grim determination on her lips, "Give me your resume..." I whispered back with a wink and a smile, "I already got a job..." Her eyes lit up, and said, "Oh, I was hoping you got it! We really made a fuss to keep you in the company!" Really? Who is "we?" She paused, and explained that when people found out our whole department was dissolved (which is spreading like a shockwave of astonishment across the whole division), almost everyone asked, "But what about Grig? They CAN'T let HIM go...!" So a bunch of managers went to other people and explained, "You can't let this guy go, he's the best we have!"

An hour later, I met another guy I worked with in the hallway. He was one of my VB.Net gurus back when I programmed in that, and then was a good source for Perl afterwards (crap, I still have one of his books... mental note to return that). He asked, outright, "Did they listen to us? Did you get pushed through the hiring freeze?" I said yes, and he swung his fist through the air and went, "Hot DAMN! I knew we would get this through!" He then congratulated me, and repeated that a "bunch of managers petitioned" my being let go. I was so giddy with joy, I forgot to ask if there really was a physical petition or were people using a figure of speech?

Later, my new Boss's boss told me, "You had a lot of people rooting for you apparently, and I am real glad to have you come onboard." Wow.

All the work I have done for these people through the last few years, they never forgot. All the extra work, the smiles, and promises to follow through met... they never forgot. Wow.

I don't know what to say.

Except I am grateful and humbled.

Posted by Punkie @ 04:49 PM EST [Link]

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Golden Bullet-time in the Matrix

Holy crap. Amazing. Fucking A.

In a move far more complex and privately finagled than I can put in a public blog, they hired me back. For the SA position I wanted in the first place. Hiring freeze be damned, apparently. Not only do I get to stay in the same company with all the benefits and everything, but I got a raise, and start tomorrow.

Wow.

Apparently, they were "impressed by my professionalism." I am not kidding, that's what one of the bigwigs in HR told me. I don't think I am any more professional than the next guy, so I am left wondering... oh, who cares. I am still employed! Yippie!

Truly unbelievable.

Oh, and to add the the chaos of the moment, they are moving our whole department to another building closer to my house, right next to Dulles Airport.

In Tarot, they would call this "The Wheel of Fortune."

Posted by Punkie @ 05:36 PM EST [Link]

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

More thoughts on being laid off

I am hurt, and I don't mind saying that, but it's the nature of the beast. I missed out on being in another group by 18 hours. 18 hours. Now I am looking at being laid off in 30 days. And I was almost in my 7th week of being disaster free. [sigh]

I can't sleep. I am sure this surprises nobody. Part of me is numb, in a free-fall depression spiral as I shift between hope, denial, and the sucking fear. People sometimes asked why I worked so hard, and truthfully, this is why: I know I can't blame myself. There's literally nothing I could have done to prevent this. The fact that they are completely deleting our entire node testing department is a pretty bold move that I am sure will not be the cost-cutting maneuver they had hoped for, but maybe it was the best of whatever choices they had. It's hard to write anything because I am shock and thinking about 4-5 different things every second. On top of this, my chest hurts, it's hard to breathe, and my coordination is way off. It's like I want to shake, but can't so my muscles just are in this semi-frigid limbo state. There is one part that goes, "I wonder if I'll snap?"

I keep grasping to some facts in the situation to help ease the pain.

- They gave us 30 days. They usually boot you out the door with a few week's pay in compensation. And if we don't find a job in 30 days, we still get the compensation, including all my untaken vacation, all my vested employee stocks, and a bunch of other stuff. Maybe a copy of the home game.
- I get 30 days in which I don't really have anything to do, and have been told to use them to find another job, using work resources. We can even work from home. I plan on doing that Tuesday and Wednesday.
- I really know a lot of shit, and I am really marketable.
- Already I have two job leads (outside the company). It hasn't even been a few hours, but I got 'em.
- There is a good chance any new job in this field will pay higher than I am getting now.
- If I get a new job, I can always try and say my hiring date isn't until after I have been laid off. Then I get compensation AND a new job. That would rule.
- No more working with certain clowns. No more "Manager Mu" pissing contest issues (although he is obviously one of the major reasons this happened). And the smug satisfaction of knowing that me leaving will cause a significant loss for the company. I CAN say that with full confidence.

But there's all kinds of other crap. A lot of "what ifs." The worst scenario, job-wise, is to get laid off in October, and then get no job for two months. That means a loss of health insurance benefits (Christine has some, but she will be the first to admit they suck), a massive liquidation of all our property, and we'll have to sell the house... during the worst season to sell any large item: Christmas time.

Tomorrow (or, as this is past midnight, later today), I have a plan of attack. I have already hit the ground running to find another job. I have all kinds of angles, and while I assume most of them won't pan out, only one has to. I have to turn this depressive funk into a form of useful energy.

Posted by Punkie @ 01:12 AM EST [Link]

Monday, September 13, 2004

The Golden Bullet

I got shot today, metaphorically speaking.

I always said layoffs at my company were like being under sniper fire in a village; you never knew when or who. But since I started working for technologies in my department, the layoffs have been fairly seasonal: Septembers, Decembers, and a few in late January-February to get the stragglers. I always knew that being laid off was never connected to job performance, so I stopped taking it personally a while back. I always said it was not a matter of if, but when, and today... it was my turn.

They sacked our whole department.

But... it's not totally awful. I have 30 days of employment left with literally nothing to do. They told us to shut down all our equipment, stop issuing reports, and that people involved in our projects have been told we are no longer working with them. They literally said, "Use these 30 days to find another job in the company." That's more than they have given most. Of course, our whole division is under a hiring freeze which I have not been told lasts at least 2 months. I could find jobs in other divisions, but, see, technology is all I know currently. Can you see me in marketing? Yeesh.

After Oct 13th, if we still haven't found a job, they give us a standard severance package, some small "thank you gifts," and a reference in good standing. Yippie.

So it's not total doom and gloom, but I think getting laid off has rounded this year pretty nicely as ranking up there with 2001, 1991, and 1987 as being the worst years of my life. Oh, I am sure it will get worse in some way, but I can't do anything about that.

Posted by Punkie @ 02:24 PM EST [Link]

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Weekend Blowout

I am so tired.

Yesterday, MSD had a 5-hour meeting. It was a useful meeting, but it was 5 hours. Still, there are some 2-hour meetings I have had at work that were so boring, I wanted to slit my own wrists just to see color. The MSD meeting wasn't like this, and for a bunch of fannish people, we seem to have it reasonably together. I have this feeling I came onboard after a major shakedown of flakes. Afterwards, Sean, Lou, and the kids came over, which was pretty cool downtime.

But that blew away Saturday, and today I looked at my lawn and went... ugh. I had to do some serious yard work.

We have one and a half huge sycamore trees in our backyard. I say "a half" because one tree actually belongs to my neighbor on my right, but at least half of it leans over my yard. It's a very old tree, and looks like it's leaning towards my house. I always fear it will crash into it, but that wouldn't be too bad because it would smash the deck that needs replaced anyway (and insurance will pay for it). But it survived Hurricane Isabel last year, so it can't be all that ready to go. The other sycamore has been a bit of a mystery because while it is a sycamore, its leaves were a bit smaller, its bark sheds in huge sheets, and it drops lots of small branches all the time. Even though it's rather large, it has a kind of spindly-sickly glow to it. It always drops its leaves WAY before any other tree does, and that's why we had to do yard work: the tree has dropped all its leaves, coating half my backyard with a crunchy layer of large brown leaves. I was afraid it would kill my grass, and even though none of the other trees have turned color yet, this sycamore is pretty bald already. CR, who did a study on trees last year, said our tree was a variety usually grown much further south, is NOT native to our area, and we suspect its appearance in our yard was due to a mix-up at some nursery 30 years ago. How it lived all this time is a mystery now. But it's apparently NOT happy.

So CR and I raked the leaves, and blew some around with a blower I have. The blower is excellent for clearing non-grass surfaces, but for the grass, we had to resort to good-old rakes. I then mowed my lawn, which hasn't been mowed for a while, but the grass didn't get too long, either, so it was kind of a mutual thing. My lawn just got too shaggy, and needed edge work. Sadly, my horrible mower is really doing poorly. Today, it blew off its muffler. Sometime this year, somehow, and I really don't have a clue what happened, all the bolts on the mower loosened all at once. Some bolts are missing. So now the mower is loud, shakes a lot, and doesn't cut well. It also needs a blade sharpening, but with everything wrong with it, the repair and overhaul costs will be about $50 than getting a newer one. One that's even better in quality.

So I spent hours raking, fighting the mower, and blowing all the debris around. I might get to the bathroom later tonight, but I am tired. And next weekend, they scheduled a Katsucon meeting. All hands on deck.

Posted by Punkie @ 07:25 PM EST [Link]

Friday, September 10, 2004

Six weeks, disaster free!

Not to sound smarmy or anything, but this weekend is now six weeks with no disaster AND over 2 months since I was last sick (viral/bacterial). Yay! I know, I'm "tempting fate," but if I spend the rest of my life being afraid to be happy of good fortune, I will never enjoy what little I have.

I don't count not getting the job, because that was losing something I didn't have yet. I didn't set myself up for the fall, and while disappointed and a little depressed about it, there is still hope the hiring freeze will end at some point in a few months, after the layoffs.

This weekend, I will be doing more demolition, but MSD is having an emergency meeting, and I am going to that on Saturday. Christine is coming with me, which is cool. At work, we had a picnic scheduled for Sunday, but the last few years have been kind of a letdown because they stopped giving away freebies, they hold it at an amusement park where I can't go on a majority of the rides (heart issues), and Christine can't really walk around all that much. I can't go without her, it wouldn't feel right. Also, I used to go with a friend of mine and his family, and ... well, he was let go a while back, and it's kind of lonely now.

Posted by Punkie @ 11:51 PM EST [Link]

Thursday, September 9, 2004

I don't know why I wrote this...

A few nights ago, I wrote this while I was almost asleep. I didn't even remember I had written it, and I just found it still in my clipboard. It has no title, but as I edited it to post just now, the name "There Are No Ordinary Moments" popped into my head. I think this post is meant for someone, but I am just a messenger, so I don't know who.
_
When a butterfly flaps its wings, it sets a chain of events in motion.

Our story begins with David and Anne. They have been married for 5 years. David, aged 30, is a legal consultant for a major advertising firm. The money is good. He also has a second job as a freelance law consultant for small businesses, and depending on the turn of the market, sometimes makes almost twice as much as his real job. Anne, aged 29, is a senior executive assistant to a CEO at a large global transpiration firm. She also has a part-time job as a personal travel agent who only gains clients via referrals from her other clients. David and Anne work, on average, 60-90 hours a week each. The money they both earn has amassed a small fortune, since they live wisely, and Anne is especially good at finding bargains and gaining favors from clients. Right now, however, they are spending a 3-day vacation in Neuvo Villarta, in Mexico.

As they sit on the beach in their reclining beach chairs, both of them do not speak. Anne isn't thinking about her vacation. She's trying to think of ways to impress a wealthy Saudi businessman who is one of her travel clients. If she succeeds, she could stand to make a six-figure bonus over the next six months. She will succeed. David, on the other hand, is thinking of nothing. His left hand is stretched over the armrest of his chair, holding onto the tense right hand of Anne. He knows she is thinking, but does not feel concern. For the last year, business has been good.

Which is a shame, because David will be dead in 5 days.

Blissfully unaware of this, David and Anne later retire to a local 4-star restaurant to discuss their trip back the following morning. Meanwhile, David's death is starting to unfold back in their home city.

A man by the name of Charles is working in a kitchen of a fine restaurant in Boston. Charles has just been chewed out by a rather demanding customer who seems upset that Charles has an accent. Charles is Puerto Rican by birth, but the woman has just called him a "thieving Arab." Charles is a good man, but in a moment of self-involvement, he drops a salmon steak on a dirtier part of the kitchen floor. Because he doesn't want any more problems from the management tonight, he discretely puts it back on the plate, and serves it to a customer he never sees. This man is named John Park, and he is a CFO of a major law firm. John eats his salmon, thinking the odd taste and texture is from the vinegar and pepper, but in reality, it is grit from the floor containing germs that will, in a few days, cause him minor stomach upset and a weak and dizzy feeling. It will pass a few days later, with no after affects, and will be forgotten by David's funeral.

In another part of town, a cab dispatcher calls in a cabbie, and despite his lack of manpower for his company, fires a man because he has been accused of stealing gasoline from other cars on the lot. This causes him to be so short of staff, he hires the next applicant who claims he can drive. This man's name is Omar, and Omar is an alcoholic. During David's funeral, he will be in a hospital's intensive care unit.

When David and Anne return from their vacation, Anne gets a message from her Saudi client that states he would like to schedule a six-month contract with her to charter over 500 guests across multiple locations in Europe. This will take all the skill and efforts of Anne to pull off, especially because she is having trouble with reliability with a Swiss company that charters the planes the Saudi requested. For the next three days, she sleeps in 2-3 hour increments, on the couch by the phone at night, and at her desk during lunch break at her main workplace.

David, on the other hand, is scheduling a meeting with John park, the CFO of a major law firm. John has hired some freelance consultants to review a series of city contracts up for renewal. They agree to meet at a restaurant in 3 days during the lunch hour to discuss what needs to be done.

When the day arrives, 40 miles away from where David works, a delivery truck driver named Scott has been asked by the delivery center to turn back on a route, because a woman had complained no one delivered her package. Scott had gone to her door, but no one answered. This will mean he will be late for all his packages all day, and have to work extra hours. He had wished to be home in time to watch a new sci-fi series on TV, but now that's not going to happen. Ever since Scott was a little boy, when things went wrong in his life, he drifted into a fantasy world where he was a martial arts master, delivering vengeance for those that had wronged him. His daydreaming fantasies have never hurt anyone, and apart from his best friend in elementary school, no one is even aware Scott thinks these things. Today, this will change.

John Park is not feeling well. He hasn't felt well since two days ago, which he attributed to his ulcer, but now he feels feverish and dizzy. He certainly doesn't feel like eating, so he leaves a voice message for David and the other people to have the meeting at his office about three miles away from their original meeting place. All call back within 20 minutes to confirm. Including David. David has never been to this building, so he decides to arrive early to account for possible time lost looking for it. In his haste, he doesn't latch his briefcase properly.

Omar is not drunk, but he is seriously hung over. He doesn't even remember his last few rides, or if they paid him or not. But he's awake enough to see David's hand flag him down. "Where are you going?" asks Omar. David tells him, and even knows a shortcut. Omar takes the shortcut.

Scott is now downtown. He's still angry about the woman who complained about him, and sure enough, she didn't answer the door the second time. The delivery center had to call her, and it turns out she was at her neighbor's, drinking tea. Scott is so into his fantasy about beating the woman senseless with Ninja-like speed, that he doesn't notice the light had turned red at the intersection he's about to cross.

Omar is in a hurry. De doesn't think David has a proper shortcut, so he makes a cut through an alley. David is not paying attention, because he's on the cell phone with Anne, telling her that he's going to stay late to avoid the rush hour traffic. If Anne was more alert, she would have thought to tell him to write down the number of someone who called him at home. But instead, she hung up, and THEN remembered. She decided she was too tired to call him back right away, and she went to to her company kitchen get another cup of coffee.

When David hung up his phone, he noticed they had just cut through an alley. He asked Omar what he was doing, and Omar said he knew a better way. Omar turned sharply out of the alley, and noticed the light of the intersection turn green. He knew this light was very short, so he gunned the motor to make sure he would make it. This caused David to fall back into the back seat, and his cell phone banged on the improperly closed latch of the briefcase, opening it, and contents began to spill out. He leaned into the left side of the back seat to prevent a disastrous spill all over the cab's back seat.

The moment Scott realized it was a red light, he was in the middle of the intersection, about to hit a cab. By habit, he slammed on his brakes. Had he sped through, he would have almost missed the cab entirely, only clipping off the front bumper. But his braking slowed him just enough so the full impact of the vehicle crushed the rear half of the cab.

David's head was on the driver's side of the cab in the rear seat. The last thing he saw was the shadow of a delivery truck grill inches from the cab window. In impact crushed David's skull into his spinal column, compressing it and breaking it like a strand of raw spaghetti, killing him instantly. If he had been sitting upright, still talking on the phone, taking down a number Anne was supposed to give him, he would have suffered massive injuries, but survived.

Anne was in the break room, drinking coffee, when David died. Her thought at the time were how she really wished she could convince the Saudi client to charter a better service from Italy.

The cab driver was badly injured, and rushed to intensive care. He survived, and while he lived another ten years, he eventually died from liver disease.

Scott was also injured, and never regained the full use of his legs. He now teaches physical therapy at a camp for handicapped children.

John Park was over his illness at David's funeral. Anne was quiet and steady, but didn't speak much. The money David and her saved up, plus the life insurance, plus the legal damages placed on the cab company for allowing a drunk man to drive a cab, gives Anne enough money to retire a year later. She would later remarry, and have two children.

Sometimes, a string of small events can culminate into one large one. And so a butterfly's wings can also end in a hurricane.

Posted by Punkie @ 03:56 PM EST [Link]

Ooooohhhmmmmm... Ooooohhhmmmmm...

So there I was, trying to take work seriously, when I get this e-mailed memo labeled URGENT (that wasn't spam), from a bigwig at building facilities.

Please pass this on to all of your people

The burning of candles or incense in individual offices of The [Company QA Labs] is a Fire Code Violation. Facilities takes this very seriously. This is a Live Data Center and no matter where your office is, we are all in close proximity to a computer room. If you have candles or incense burners in your office, please remove them immediately.

I can't stop laughing. I IM'd the guy who sent the memo, and yes, it was because of a specific incident. BWAH!

Ooooohhhmmmmm... waaaataaaa tjerrrrr kiiaaaam... Ooooohhhmmmmm...

Posted by Punkie @ 10:43 AM EST [Link]

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

Another view of sucking

Source:

Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
TheXPhial> vaccuums
Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
TheXPhial> black holes
Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
TheXPhial> lava?

I am not sure why. I have tried several times, but my writing comes out flat. Part of my main Tony Bumper story just reminds me of better times, and I don't want to look at it because I am hurting really badly. This year has totally sucked, almost as bad as the end of 2001 (9/11, cat died, Christine broke both her ankles, CR had to have foot surgery, I got double-lung pneumonia... and a lot of other stuff I don't want to remember). So far, two relatives and a friend have died, work has gone sour, and I don't want to list everything because I'll just cry. I think blogs have kept me writing, but not the kind of writing I need to be doing.

Sorry.

Posted by Punkie @ 02:33 PM EST [Link]

DENIED!

I don't mind saying I am a little pissed. The SysAdmin job, the one that was 99% sure, and was in the HR stages of filing paperwork... got shut down by a department-wide hiring freeze. No one knows how long the hiring freeze will be in effect, but the previous one lasted for 4 months (Dec - Mar). Sometimes they have been six months or longer. Or it could only be a week. In any case, they always do this before a big layoff, and it's September, so even though I have heard NO RUMORS about layoffs, the timing is right. This is always a major warning flag.

When the hiring freeze is lifted, I might be hired IF the team still has headcount, and then IF the job specs have not been officially changed. If they don't have the headcount, they can't hire me. If they change the specs, they have to open the position up all over again, which means I have to start all over again, along with any other candidates.

The worst part? Had my paperwork been submitted ONE DAY EARLIER, and we're talking a difference of 18 hours, this wouldn't have affected me. But the hiring freeze was stated (in secret) on Thursday of last week at 4pm, and my paperwork was submitted by HR at 10am on Friday.

My boss is overjoyed I am not leaving. Yippee. The people I was supposed to work with are livid, because this is HR's fault, and they have been trying to get this passed, stating the paperwork was submitted to HR way before then, but HR didn't get to it until Friday. It didn't work. I have been told to "stay frosty" (the exact words used by the guy who was supposed to be my new boss), and hopefully, this will be a short hiring freeze. If it's lifted soon, and the specs don't change, they will try again. See, this hiring freeze not only affects me, but their whole group, because they are short several people, and now they are screwed pretty badly. The guy who was supposed to be my new boss sent me several IMs trying to reassure me this is not his fault, and I had to reassure him I was not taking this personally.

But I am still massively depressed. Last night I gorged myself of chocolate and spent time alone in my den, compiling Gentoo on a busted computer, just to have something mindless to do, and to take out my frustrations on. This morning I don't feel any better. I almost didn't come to work, but I didn't want to be immature and unprofessional, but I'd be surprised if I did any actual work today.

Posted by Punkie @ 08:37 AM EST [Link]

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Pretty AND smart...

Sometimes Christine asks me why I ever married her. I always tell her that's she's pretty, smart, and so on, which she sometimes denies for some reason. Sometimes I am torn between "it's better she isn't arrogantly smart" and "she's not realizing how good she really is." I struggle with the same image problem, so I don't really try to cure it under the philosophy, "physician, heal thyself."

But here's an example of WHY I think she's smart. She's like me, a problem-solver. She can't stand an unresolved issue, and that's why she likes sci-fi a little, and fantasy a lot: they ask "what if" and she probably compares her answer to the one the author or screenwriter does. Yesterday, we watched the second half of "Matrix: Reloaded." Neither one of us has seen "Revolutions" yet, mostly because I heard some horrible things about it from people I trusted for reviews of such things. The worst of all being, "It ends unresolved." This is something that I don't care for very much, unless it's one of those that "make you think," and my friends assure me, no, it doesn't make you think, unless it makes you think the writers wrote themselves into a corner, and ended almost as badly as "The Prisoner" series. So, knowing Christine REALLY hates unresolved endings, I sort of discouraged us watching it. Well, now we're going to get a copy and watch it.

During the last part, especially the part with "the Architect," we talked about what that really meant, about the anomalies, seven Neos, choice, and so on. The is only the second time we watched that movie (although we've seen "The Matrix" several times). I wanted to show her "The Animatrix," so we watched that, and I got a lot more this second time around. We discussed how easy it was to "get away with" certain plot issues, because you can always claim that the Matrix is not real, and not bound by all physical laws. She then stated she really wanted to see "Revolutions," even though she knows that Trinity dies (I don't know how she knew that, but I had heard the same thing).

When I first met her, and "went out" with her at Balticon in 1988, she had similar discussions about religion. You have to understand, before her, I met a few people who discussed religion intelligently, but they were either men, or women with far too many problems to be even remotely considered as "dating material." I was very picky about whom I'd date. She had to be smart, attractive, and funny. Many of my male friends at the time would date anyone with a pulse, and the goal was to have sexual intercourse. Some of them dated or even married these women, and found out most of them were dull, liars, or just plain crazy. But see, I knew this would happen. I wanted to marry someone smart, and I mean more than book smart, but wise.

Here's an example. If I asked most girls my age at the time (19), "What is the nature of God?" I'd likely get these responses:

Dumb: What? I dunno.
Boring: I never really think about it. Doesn't matter, really.
Drunk: Tee hee. You are sooo funny. What's yer name again? That izz sho weird...zzzzzzzz...
Neurotic: Why would you ask such a question? Do I look like I know?
Crazy: I see God in my quartz crystals and she tells me I am Princess Moon Faerie!

I was looking for something like, "Good question. I wonder that myself. Here's my theory..." to show me that they do think about heavy stuff. Sometimes older women did this, but I didn't want to date women much older than I was, because I didn't want a mommy figure. I figured, and my friends pretty much agreed, I would not easily find what I was looking for in the same person. If anything, because I was kind of ugly and a smart, attractive, funny girl would never even consider me dating material. Especially at 19. And in fandom? The non-neurotic part was considered REAL picky at that age level, especially my unhealthy attraction to punk and goth girls.

Then my friend Betty introduced me to Christine. The timing was impeccable, and I attribute some help from Joann on this as well, because it turned out she was friends to both of us (but we didn't know at the time). Christine was one of those happenings in my life that was a series of unusual timings on both sides; if one minor thing had been different, we wouldn't have ever met. One night with her was magical. I was talking to someone who was my intellectual better, but not arrogant or boastful about it. I could have long conversations with her. Better yet, she liked me back!

And hopefully still does.

Posted by Punkie @ 03:44 PM EST [Link]

Bathroom Wrap-up: Labor Day Weekend

Well, not much has changed since the last post. Christine got sinus headaches on Sunday, and slept most of the day, whereas I got really, really stiff in all my joints in a massive arthritis attack. All my joints became stiff and sore, especially my hands, feet, and legs. I suspect its the high pressure front that blew through, and kept the hurricane well to our south. On Monday, we had to go shopping so CR could have new shoes for school, we could have food for the week, and Christine had to pick up medicine.

So thew bathroom hasn't changed much since the last photo. When we got back from shopping, Sean had offered to "be a carpenter" on our voice mail. Heh. No, Sean, we need demolition currently! I think I will try to do more cleanup tomorrow, since we have a lot of drywall and paneling residue in the tub.

While things have gone a bit better than I had expected, one problem has arisen: the tiling. The tiles around the bathtub are held together with razor-sharp piano wire and cement. No, I am kidding, but they might as well be! Once the drywall got to the tile, ripping the tile and/or drywall behind it was a chore! I have only managed to remove about 4-5 tiles worth of stuff. The problem is, the combination of tile and drywall makes for a kind of Tiled Kevlar-like armor. I tried smashing the tile (which is how I freed the toilet from the rusty metal plates that sort of held it to the floor - no worry, I had no intention of saving the toilet), but this was slow, and produced a lot of tiny razor-sharp shards that flew everywhere. This seems like a dangerous thing to have or to do, so I tried breaking the drywall behind it, but it's held fast to the tile. I think I will remove all the non-tiled drywall around it, and then pry it all out in one sheet.

I have located the source of the faulty wiring. It turns out that the electrical wire had been stapled in place. Hard. So hard, the metal has worn through the plastic coating. Not only that, but the wiring for two switches (lights/fan) and an electrical plug have all been put into one cramped junction box (it looks like someone jam-packed in a cup of spaghetti behind everything). That will be fixed as well. Once I have all the drywall removed, I will tackle this next, rewire the bathroom with new wire, put in proper junction boxes, and install GFCI outlets (now a standard in bathrooms and kitchens). I have done house wiring before, but that was a long time ago, and that was putting in new wiring, not fixing old wiring. Luckily I still have the tools and some printed guides.

Yes, I will be VERY careful.

Posted by Punkie @ 02:30 AM EST [Link]

Sunday, September 5, 2004

Ha ha, Punkie! That will show you!

I don't believe it. Not a small margin, either. Won 935 to 692 votes over Columbus.

Congratulations to Nippon 2007, winner of Site Selection for the 2007 Worldcon!

Yokahama? Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Comic book guy: Werst... Bathhouse. Ever!

Posted by Punkie @ 04:17 PM EST [Link]

Saturday, September 4, 2004

The Weekend and Month of Everything

Okay, Christine and I had decided, months ago, that if we didn't actually start planning redoing the bathroom, it would never get done. So we set aside the month of September. Nothing would get in our way.

Oops, "Tad and Craig's Excellent Party." Well, with the low money situation we couldn't afford to go anyway. I am bummed because I really wanted to go and hang out. I am jealous of all my friends who went...

Arg, Worldcon in Boston. Well, I couldn't afford that, either, and I hate Boston, right? When's the next one close to me? There's a bid for Columbus, OH in 2007. It's up against Japan, which, while that would be cool, I think will lose because it's far away, kind of hard to get around in, and a lot of hard-core sci-fi people are getting annoyed with anime. I can just imagine a bunch of us fat nerdly fen waddling around Yokohama, and the chaos it would cause. I recall when some fen went to Scotland... okay, that's another topic.

This weekend, a friend of mine I haven't seen for a while called. He's in town because his father's going through open-heart surgery. He has some important news for me that he can't tell me what it is over the phone because he's at his parent's condo and apparently he's keeping it a secret from them. Our phone conversations keep getting interrupted, and he won't tell me in e-mail because it's one of those, "I have to tell you in person" sorts of things. This is going to be interesting...

As for the rest of the month...

There was going to be an MSD meeting, but that's been changed to October.

Another friend of mine wants me to help set-up a LAN in his friend's house a few weekends from now. Knowing how this usually goes, this will probably get postponed or canceled. But I said I'd help out, and I should responsibly plan for it.

I have had to say "no" to two Renn Fest invitations for this month. We're going to go in October, though, when the weather gets cooler. "We" is my family, and friends Anya and Matt, who have never been to one. How the hell they could have never been to one, and yet lived here all their lives, is beyond me. This aberration must be corrected.

But so far, Christine and I kept our promise and not planned anything for this month.

Posted by Punkie @ 10:31 PM EST [Link]

The Wrecking Ball

Today is September, the month we dedicated to renovating the "Yellow Bathroom." Work had already started somewhat, because I was eager to get a head start on some days I had nothing to do (or, realistically, I had stuff to do, but didn't want to do it). This morning, the YB was missing a toilet, had the damaged subfloor exposed, and had a huge tear in one wall exposing the framing. We took turns ripping off the ugly trailer park shower tile paneling in the bathroom, and started tearing down the damaged drywall behind it. So far, the water damage seems to have stayed in one basic area, which is good news. The whole subfloor may not need replaced, but only a 3' x 3' area.

About 80% of the paneling is down, and 30% of the drywall behind it. I also pulled apart the makeshift sink cabinet below, which was put together so cheaply, and sustained so much water damage, that it was like pulling apart cardboard. The frustration is that much of the drywall won't come out in sheets, it comes out only in hand-sized chunks. We also have to be careful with ripping it down, because we don't want to damage the drywall in the rooms on the other side.

The mystery and solution of the "sinking toilet" was confirmed: previous water damage. Apparently, the previous owners started seeing the same thing, so they used some gray putty or filler to shore up the toilet, and used construction adhesive to glue down the tiles (with no grout). Then, to cover up the ugly wallpaper and drywall damage, they put up the paneling, and glued that, to the wallpaper, with the same construction adhesive. The adhesive was not waterproof, so over time, the paneling peeled away from the wall, so they used drywall screws to keep it attached. The paneling buckled at the screws and moisture warped the fiberboard back. Then they sold the house to us. If we hadn't shut down that bathroom, someone would have sat on the toilet one day, and collapsed it into the floor, possibly falling into the bathroom below. There is also evidence showing up the the small bathroom behind this one (connected to the master bedroom), was also leaking (it's not leaking currently, that's the bathroom we demanded they fix and provide a receipt from a real plumber).

It's tiring, dusty, hard work. But we're getting there. I estimate at least half of the demolition will be done by the end of this weekend. By the end of next weekend, hopefully, we'll have everything out but the tub. We're taking it slow and easy, not rushing anything, because we want to be careful and fastidious. We have set aside the whole month of September to get all the crap out and removed. Then we'll asses what we have, and start rebuilding.

Oy, gevalt!

Posted by Punkie @ 09:51 PM EST [Link]

Friday, September 3, 2004

Frances vs. the State of Florida... no, not my late Brother-in-law

I have been asked by several non-east-coast friends if I am worried about Frances. Well, not yet. I mean, hurricanes rarely reach up this way. Hurricane Isabel last year was the first since Hurricane David in the 1970s. Yes, sure, Frances could reach up this way, but it would have to change its path by about 30 degrees north, and not lose strength over land. Possible, but unlikely. Anyway, I have everything I need (batteries and so on) and plenty of time to get stuff I don't have. If it hits us, it won't be until next week. I think we'll only get a lot of rain.

"The tide is rising, and it has been doing that for almost an hour now..." was actually uttered by some weatherbunny on CNN while writing this. Honey? The tide does that. Daily. Hurricane or not.

While I don't want anyone to get hurt, I think it would be ironic justice if Frances (my late Brother-in-law's name) flattened and destroyed Jacksonville (the city of despair that he was trapped in).

I'm just sayin'...

Posted by Punkie @ 10:48 AM EST [Link]

High School is soooo Tubular... like, oh my gawd!

I have had some talks with some people, and I feel a little bit better about the new job. I mean, the people I'll be working with are my kind of people: geeks. I turns out my new boss, for instance, went to a lot of FanTek conventions as a gamer. He asked if I had heard of EveCon or Castlecon. I asked, "Did you ever go to Opening Ceremonies?" No, he said. I smiled. "Well, you should have, I was their Emcee!" Then I almost gasped, hoping he wouldn't say, "You are Punk Walrus?" I try and keep my work and fan life separate, you see. No, he just said, "Well, I was gaming!"

In other news, my son starts high school next week. Man, times sure flies. I went to his orientation, but I had already been to the "New parents of [Blahdeblah] High School," and he spent a week as "Pre-High for New Students" (we had to pay extra for that, and I wonder if it was worth it), so we just picked up his packet, wandered the halls with throngs of other students, and then left after 30 minutes. Already, CR has a gaggle of friends, all girls, who seem to love goofing around. Yeah. Like watching a re-run of my life through another's eyes. The group consists of Sarah, a girl who used to look like an awkward teen with straw for hair (who now looks a lot like my old friend Donnalee), Jennifer, a girl whose parents run the Chinese food restaurant we like so much, and an assorted rag-tag band students and "bananas."

I don't know if "bananas" is a derogatory term these days, but in high-falootin' McLean, there were two main cliques of Asian-Americans; the "in-crowd" and "bananas," so called because they were "yellow on the outside, white on the inside." The in-crowd, which seemed to be mostly overstressed kids from wealthy Korean families, hated "bananas," which were far more fun-loving, and couldn't have cared less about cliques, wealth, or fashion. They weren't "into being all Asian and junk." I loved and hung out with the "bananas," of course, because ... well, they were smart and fun to be with. I didn't think of them as "Asian," I thought of them by name, like Julie, Vince, or Gu-Yeon. "Bananas" mainly consisted of loud people who joined science clubs, were in band, and filled the gaming community, and didn't really consider the term "banana" to be an insult any more than "weird" or "nerd." So it's kind of cool to see CR has some of the same kinds of friends that I had.

After being in that high school for 30 minutes, my brain started to shift into some mode I haven't felt since the 1980s, and even days later, I am thinking and saying things like "oh, for sure!" and "tubular" and "no... way...!" Yeah, most of those terms were said by girls, but ... well, most of my friends were girls. Hell, at least half my friends now are ladies.

Posted by Punkie @ 10:33 AM EST [Link]

Thursday, September 2, 2004

Jumping the ship

Okay, this has gone on long enough. I thought I could wait a while, and make this big announcement, but this is taking so long, and people are asking me about it, that I think I am going to give to spill the beans.

On Monday, I was offered a promotion to another department as a Unix Systems Administrator. I will be leaving my "wardialing job" to do a "systems maintenance" kind of job where I build software tools that maintain, track, and report on servers, system patches, and server performance. It's actually kind of the same thing, except I'll really be leaving the Windows world behind. These servers primarily do bridging between massive search operations (like with Google) and our company's applications and services. I'll be working directly with Sun, HP, and Red Hat systems. My Linux and Perl skills have been of special interest to this group, who need a programmer to make their jobs a little easier (parsing logs, making automated patching tools, that sort of thing).

Those privy to my "friends only" LiveJournal know that this has been an ongoing thing, and it's still not 100% certain, but it is 99% certain now because they offered it to me, and the only snag is HR and pay scale. I have this fear the pay will not be that much more, which it SHOULD be, but apparently, internal transfers get paid much less than people off the street. That's why I am not overly happy-wappy, because I am taking on more responsibility, for possibly not that much of a raise in pay. I'll also be one week a month, with a limited on-call the rest of the month (like as secondary, or specialist when I actually take over sets of servers that become "mine" so to speak). So why take it? I have my reasons. I have been doing this job a long time, 5 years, which in the IT world is like decades. I started testing nodes for international people in 1999, then started domestic in 2000. I am excited to learn new things. I am also tired of politics that have gone sour in some of the upper levels since a management shift over a year ago (I don't want to talk about it in a public blog).

I should be really happy, but there is some issues that dull the edge. The pay being one (unless it's more than I expected, then... happy happy joy joy), but also a lot of my team apparently relied on me to keep it together, and now that I am leaving, it's depressed them. One actually already applied for another job once he heard I got one. My boss is not looking well these days.

Posted by Punkie @ 01:21 PM EST [Link]

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

Goth control I can handle... but not this type of crowd control...

I know ya'll aren't much for politics, but we have this series of rules everyone must abide by. The main document is the US Constitution, which is available in the National Archives and a zillion other places. I am sure many of you slept through that in class, because many high school history teachers suck the fun out of what is your birthright as an American citizen, so I am going o highlight three passages.

US Constitution, Bill of Rights, Amendment 1: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

US Constitution, Bill of Rights, Amendment 4: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Now read this. One of these things is not like the other...

Oh, I did promise three passages, didn't I? But this last one shows the wisdom of those who originally wrote this document, and I wanted you to read that link first.

US Constitution, Bill of Rights, Amendment 2: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Now I am not saying to pick up your guns and start shooting, but keep in mind that if this kind of corruption continues, and no one does anything about it, we deserve the results of our inaction. Our strength comes from protest, not guns. But we have the right to have guns should the government take away our ability to protest. The founding fathers knew, from experience, how a dictatorship or monarchy can ruin a free thinker's life. This country was created so people could think and be free, and look how much we've done! Now, because of some weak-minded fools, a lot of voter apathy, and lack of personal responsibility, things are really getting out of hand.

"Papers, please? Are you supposed to be here, Citizen CA-619-515-2817-BF-90124? Show me your authorization to own those things. I am sorry, but we'll have to confiscate these items as evidence. Yes, under a new law by our Friendly and Fun Leaders, we have decided your child is 'a luxury item' when they are unable to communicate, and thus, able to be seized as property."

Posted by Punkie @ 02:41 PM EST [Link]

Walk the walk, talk the talk, dress the part?

I am not sure how I feel about this. I am conflicted.

Wichita Middle School Cracks Down On Goths.

On one hand, you have Free Speech, yatta yatta yatta... and on the other, you have disruption of education. So let me tell you about McLean High School in 1987, and how they deal with people who dress like that: they got expelled. Bridget Huevas, a girl I used to know who got tattooed eyeliner, was booted out. Kelly Bender, who dyed her hair blue one day, got expelled as well. I'd be a liar if I said they didn't have other issues as well, and their dress was the free ticket the school was hoping for to label them as "dangerously disruptive." So my knee-jerk response was "fuck you, Witchita!"

Then I read the article, and kind of see another side. Let's take my punk/Goth love out of this for a moment. Say a female student with nice curves decides to wear a low-cut dress, miniskirt, sex-me shoes, and ... okay, say she dresses like a porn star. This is unfair to males, because her dress would give many teen males a hard-on that would beg to be taken care of. The History of the Ottoman Empire? Forget it. It can't compete with some depraved fantasy of a sexually frustrated teen boy. I know, I used to be one. And what about gang signs and such? If you are afraid you'll be shot or stabbed outside of school just for staring at someone wrong, I doubt you'll give a crap about sines and cosines.

So is dressing Goth that much different? I don't think so. Now, keep in mind, most Goths only want to scare you so you'll leave them alone. You could also say gangs do that, in essence, but Goths generally don't track you after school to beat you up, and I have never heard of Goths involved in drive-by shootings. But the ignorant don't know that. All they see is "scary people I don't understand," which, honestly, is the effect most Goths or punks are generally looking for at that age. You could say it's a more exaggerated form of protection through group identity.

[Wilbur Middle School's] dress code forbids students from wearing clothing that "create[s] a 'gang' or clique appearance," as well as accessories like "nose, eyebrow, lip or tongue rings, chains, dog collars, safety pins [and] studded clothing." According to the dress code, these items are all banned because "they disrupt the school environment or impede learning in the classroom."

And Goth would certainly fit in that category. I have seen a few blogs argue that "you could easily say that about black people/women/Islamic dress," but I disagree here, because those people don't have a choice. Goths do. Goth is not a religion, race, or creed, it's a culture, and you don't have to dress Goth to BE Goth. I know. I mean, I totally want to dress Goth, but I need to keep a job, apply for bank loans, not roast in the sun, and so on, and I could bitch and complain all I want to about how some "unfair" people "see" Goths, but in the end, it's a choice I have to make, and the consequence I have to deal with. Anyway, too many poseurs pay a lot of money at Hot Topic to play the part, so dress is meaningless to a true Goth, anyway.

Still... I own a lot of black clothing...

Anyway, the conflict lies within me, because I know my "right to be who you are" is pretty abstract, and in an ideal world, you could do that, but our world is flawed and imperfect at every twist and turn.

'I'm so glad Ms. Crain did this, because a Goth sat behind me last year and every single day he'd hiss at me like a snake.'

I'm sorry, but BWAH! First, that's probably a lie or at least a one sided story. Maybe the kid called him a '"fag" so the Goth hissed back. But even if it was unprovoked, that's pretty damn funny. Of course, it's not a Goth thing, I would hope any kid hissing behind another in class would be considered disruptive.

Maybe I can hiss at Ted. "Your so stupid loser!" Hissssss!

[snicker]

According to Crain, in previous school sessions, "no more than three students" wore Gothic-inspired clothing. But when the school year began last week, she noticed a group of 10 to 12 students dressed in black, wearing lipstick and makeup. She immediately called the students into her office to let them know their look violated the school's dress code.

I wonder about the density issue, like 3 is okay, but 10 to 12 is a problem. Where does this boundary lie? How about, say, 6 people dressing like Goths. "Six little Goths, hanging from a tree. One fell down in mis-ser-y..." Makes a nice jump-rope rhyme, doesn't it? But I digress. I wonder what the density of concern is? Like "After 18 students, they begin to reach critical mass, and form a black hole from which no misery can escape..."

Thus far, the students have complied.

Or so you are led to believe ... now they just THINK in black...

Posted by Punkie @ 12:43 PM EST [Link]