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10/21/2004 Entry: "Herbal rememdies... and loss of a time/space continuum in one's life" After yesterday's entry, Christine called, and said she was coming down with the same head cold that I was. Then she said Sawa had a really bad last two weeks, and she was going to see her. I understood. Then she called later on and said Sawa was coming home with her. We hadn't seen her in a while, so we all spent the rest of the night talking about stuff like herbal remedies (which Sawa had brought with her, since she works at an herbalist's). Sawa medicated us, and I think it worked. I definitely felt better today than the last two days. Sawa also told me echinacea should not be taken constantly, because it puts your immune system on full alert, and doing that for too long makes it tired. This might explain why I kept getting sick earlier this year; I was taking echinacea daily, but only stopped when I ran out (and could not afford it). Then I got better, which I suspected is what happened, but it's nice to have confirmation. Sawa recommended elderberries as a constant remedy. Thank you, Sawa! But now a rant. My short term memory has really started going bad. It was never good to begin with, but lately I have been having massive trouble remembering names, faces, and events. I have always said the worst comes when either I, or someone else, wants me to remember to do something in xx amount of minutes, like, "In 20 minutes, can you stir the soup?" It also has problems with adding abnormal events to normal tasks, like, "When you get to the register, remember to get a book of stamps." I told myself this several times while in the store today, and even reminded myself while in line, but some 30 seconds after I reminded myself, "Okay, when you hand her the discount card, ask for a book of stamps," I still forgot!!!! God DAMMIT! I did everything to remind myself, I left a note in my wallet, I said to myself about 5 times while in the store, "Don't forget stamps," but I forgot them within 30 seconds!!! What. The. Fuck???? And it's not like something really weird happened to me that would throw off my train of thought. Sometimes, I forget things because something totally weird and slightly shocking happens, and then all mental reminders are thrown away like grains of sand on an anonymous beach. That happens to me a lot, really. It seems more weird shit happens to me when I am alone than I am with someone. But I can't use this excuse this time. I didn't have that long a wait in line, the cashier was someone I knew, and friendly, and 30 seconds before I handed her my card, I reminded myself to get a book of stamps. But Jesus Fucking Christ, I forgot anyway! What happens to that reminder anyway? I want to know what stupid synaptic connections are not meeting. I am so angry, because I feel so out of control and helpless. And I need those stamps! ARGH!!! In many ways, my brain is like a huge river. Tons and tons of thoughts and observations flow by every second faster than a release valve out of the Hoover Dam. Anything tossed into that river, especially reminders, get swept away in the torrents, only, maybe, to be found downstream, gasping on some sandy shore... long past its appointed stop. I hate that. I hate being absent minded, and as years go by, I get more and moreso every year. Now I know why Eskimos used to put old people on ice floes. Hell, tell me it's a ride, I'll be too stupid and senile to know better. I know part of this is tied to the fact I have no internal clock, or any measuring device at all. For starters, I wear a watch 24/7. I have worn one constantly since I was 16 to the point that my skin under the watch hasn't gotten any sun since Reagan was president. The tissue under the watch dips sharply like how a ring does on a finger after a few years. And why? Because I have this horrible sense of disorientation without knowing what time it is. I mean, literally, I wouldn't know if an hour or a few minutes have passed since I started writing this entry. I also have NO judge of distance beyond vague concepts. Like I know it's not a mile between me and my monitor, and it's more than a centimeter, but ask me if I am between 12-18" away from the screen, and without a ruler, I wouldn't know. I have no judge of distance, especially how many feet something is away from me, or how big a room is. And unless you are more than a head's length distance from my own, everyone is the same height to me. My brain gets this spacial freakout when, say, I realize that my wife is actually shorter than I am. It's like the universe warps when someone brings out a ruler, or show me that, yes, indeed, they are shorter than I have by a full 8 inches, or "only 5 minutes have passed." Everyone, in my mind's eye, are the same height as I am, and "Time flies when you are having fun," has never applied to me, because time stretches and expands randomly, no matter what my mood is. I have have had some really great experiences that seemed to last forever, and really bad ones that were over in seconds, even if in reality, they lasted a day or more. When I was about 8, I was told this whole time/distance problem was part of my dyslexia. The "motor control aphasia." Part of my LD exercises were to toss beanbags into slanted boxes with holes in them. I was told that tossing and catching was easier if I compared them to objects they passed. This is a great trick, but sadly does not work if I cannot see the object (like "touch typing" is nearly impossible for me), or the object has no close objects to measure against, like a ball coming at me from the sky. This also means I am seriously clumsy, and I often misjudge going around corners, for example. I have torn shirts on objects I got too close to, broken watches by smacking them into objects, and my arms and legs are often dotted with cuts and bruises from all the banging into objects I do throughout the day. I long since stopped asking, "Hey, where did I get THAT bruise from?" It's so frustrating. Sometimes the world is an unfriendly place, obstacle-wise.