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07/20/2004 Entry: "Christine - No updates yet" I have been trying to call her all morning, but there's no answer, or the main patient line is busy. I have been fielding multiple IMs, phone calls, and e-mails. One of the things I hate is the question, "How are you doing?" I hate it because first, the person asking it means well, so I can't get mad at them, but I am really sick of answering that question. Especially this year, because everything is going so badly. BAD! I AM DOING BADLY! And I HATE being reminded of that. I hate thinking about it, I hate trying to take it all in, and then the self-pity that follows. I don't WANT to know how I am doing! I don't want to think about it, I don't want to be reminded of it... I don't want to feel. Feeling hurts. Yet the people who ask that mean well, and it's a very reasonable question. Hell, even I have used it. So I can't mouth off and bite the gentle hands of those who care. And I can't %$@!# lie, so I spent a few hours early this morning thinking of some dumbass, noncommittal thing to say. "As good as to be expected."