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02/24/2004 Entry: "Is this debate really worth it? It's clogging my mailbox with your ego drippings..." Sometimes I am on mailing lists that don't have many posts. Maybe weeks will go by with no posts, and then someone sends a link, and there's a modicum of discussion before it ends in another few weeks with nothing to say. Sometimes there is steady light traffic with bursts of activity around events, like a convention planning list. Then there's the unstable lists. I am not naming names, but I am on a list where recently, a lot of hotheads have been playing tet a tet with each other in the form of fluffed feathers and ruffled egos. In recent weeks, this fairly stable, low-traffic list has flooded my mailbox with scores of daily off-topic chatter, mixed with the bruised and spiked egos of certain people who just don't know when to let things slide. I have been on lists where I have been told I suck, and I just let it pass. Generally people only insult you if they want attention in some way, and if you don't give them a response, they give up rather quickly. When one person does it, usually the list will rally against the "foe," and the foe will back down. But when two people with bruised egos go at it, it become a complex weave of subplots and delayed reactions. And just when it seems like it ran out of fuel, someone who hasn't read their mail in over a week will reply to the first attack, now over a week old, without checking to see that the matter has already been halted, which sometimes starts the whole thing all over again, especially if they drag some second plot into the fray. "Letting things drop" has become a well-used tool since I have gotten older. I used to be passionate about what I considered was my version of "truth, beauty, and love" in some topic, but in the last few years, "at what price, truth?" has become a louder voice during an argument. Another voice has spawned that asks, "What will this debate gain over what it will lose?" Some arguments are not worth winning. For instance, a good debate is where facts are exchanged in a tactful manner. You present Idea A, your opponent presents Idea B. You show facts towards A, your opponent shows facts towards B. You refute facts of B, your opponent refutes facts of A. This goes on until you have convinced your opponent, your opponent convinces you, or you agree that you two will never find common ground. But many debates go this way: You present Idea A, your opponent presents Idea B. You show facts of A, your opponent refutes your facts. You ask for facts of Idea B, and your opponent makes unrelated personal attacks. This is where I will make a choice on where to proceed, and more and more, I just say nothing in response, because the debate will gain nothing. My opponent will most likely NEED to have the last word, so I give it to them. In my mind, I have won because my opponent has not proven his or her case, and tried to cheat by using unnecessary personal attacks, which further convinces me that my opponent's ideas come from an unstable and insecure mind. I have avoided uncounted pointless struggles this way, and even learned a thing or two by maintaining a silence and just listening. But when I see two hotheads debate, I tune them out. Often I delete whole threads in my mailbox with the same title because of some embarrassing flame war, followed by admonishment by the moderator, response to admonishment, and the moderator getting into the fray without simply ending it with a demand for silence on that topic. What's really annoying is when you see two people who are actually arguing the same thing, yet are too stubborn to admit they agree, because now it's just personal. Sometimes, it's gotten so bad, I just silently unsubscribe.