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12/18/2003 Entry: "Joke time..." I am sitting around the office, waiting for some stuff to get done, and my radio played a Chubby Checker song that reminded me of a very bad joke, that's really outdated, but I have liked since I was 12. Mark was a young man, approaching the door to his prom date, Maria. He was very nervous, and when he rang the doorbell, an old lady answered. Mark announced who he was, and the deaf old lady, who didn't speak English very well, invited him in and told him to sit down and wait. Mark fidgeted a lot, so the grandmother tried to strike up a conversation with the nice young man. "You are very lucky to date my granddaughter," she said, drinking her tea. "She likes all the modern things America has to offer. She likes the big buildings, the food, and boy, does she like to screw!" Mark's eyes raised in shock. "Oh, yes! Boy, that girl, she screw all day and all night. She screw with all the boys, and even the girls! She screw to the music, she even screw when she's all alone in her bedroom up there, making all kinds of noise. Boy my Maria, she loves to screw!" Mark was sweating bullets. He had no idea Maria was such a loose woman! Maria suddenly ran down the stairs, and shouted, "For the last time, grandma, it's called 'The Twist!'" [rim shot] Okay, another joke. This one is my favorite. It's WW2, on a battlefield in Italy. Sam is stuck in a foxhole with his sarge, and things look bad. The are surrounded, cut off from supplies, and Sam's ammo has run very low. Bullets are whizzing everywhere. "Sarge, I am down to my last bullet! What do I do??" shouts Sam above the noise. "Use a broomstick," is the reply. The bullets go quiet for a second, as if they didn't believe he said that either, before starting again, louder than ever. "What? Sarge? Are you crazy? What will a broomstick do?" "I learned this in Normandy. Just take the broomstick like this, and fire it out the foxhole and yell 'BANGITTY BANG BANG! BANGITTY BANG BANG!" Sam can't believe it! "What? That's crazy!!!" "And if an enemy gets too close, tie a handkerchief to the end of it like this, see? And yell 'STABBITY STAB STAB! STABBITY STAB STAB!'" "Sarge, that's not funny!" says Sam. "It's the honor of war out here in Europe, just do as I say, and --ERK!" The sarge is killed by a bullet in mid-sentence. "Sarge...? Sarge??" Sam is now alone. He feels he has nothing to lose, and so he grabs the broomstick, sticks it out of the foxhole, and shouts "BANGITTY BANG BANG! BANGITTY BANG BANG!" and sees enemy soldiers falling left and right! Holy crap! It works! Sam did this all day and all night. "BANGITTY BANG BANG! BANGITTY BANG BANG!" Then, an enemy soldier jumps into his foxhole. "YAAARRRGGHHH!!!" he goes. Sam slaps him with the handkerchief, and yells "STABBITY STAB STAB! STABBITY STAB STAB!' and the guy falls down, bleeding from all over. When morning came, it was quiet. Dead enemy soldiers were piled around the foxhole. Smoke blew everywhere. Sam waited to see if the coast was clear, and then when he saw or heard nothing he got out of the foxhole and started to run. Off in the distance, he sees this big enemy soldier, walking slowing towards him. "BANGITTY BANG BANG! BANGITTY BANG BANG!" says Sam with his broomstick. But this time, the soldier does NOT fall, keeps walking slowly towards him! Sam runs up to him and goes "STABBITY STAB STAB! STABBITY STAB STAB!" But the enemy walks right over him and crushes him like a grape. The enemy keeps walking in a slow steady line going, "TANKITTY TANK TANK! TANKITTY TANK TANK!" [bows]